Posts tagged Communication

The Travel Writer Returns (or How To Restart Your Blog)

Girona one of many bridges across the onyar River
IggyMo and I on one of many bridges across the Onyar River in Girona, Catalunya.

Hello, I’m back. The passing of this summer Solstice, which finds me in Girona, Catalunya (northeast Spain), seems a perfect time for committing or recommitting to what is important.

There is so much I want to write about, to share, in the European adventures I’m having, in the new life I am creating at 59 years old. This isn’t just a vacation or a trip, as that implies a finite amount of time and a home that awaits your return. I currently have no such place, such anchor, in the world.

I did not realize three years ago (and more), as I began to dismantle my partnership of 25 years – through lack of appreciation and an abiding sense of discontent – that I was setting myself on this path to discover “home.” It is, of course, both an internal metaphor – a journey of where sense of purposefulness, meaning and connection reside – and an external search for a physical location where I feel “at home.”

As a writer, words (increasingly spoken aloud to my solo self) are the means by which I process and communicate with myself, and others with whom I hope to be in conversation. Therefore a blog is an appropriate and valuable tool, which I’ve not employed in a long time. There are always distractions, excuses and choices to be made about how we pass the hours of each day.

In addition to being present with the newness that travel imparts, I’ve been spending a lot of time on FaceBook creating a community for my travel companion, IggyMo who is a stuffed monkey made by Gund and purchased for me 27 years ago. He now has over 100 fans and, like any novelist will tell you about characters taking on a life of their own (which you hope they do), IggyMo is doing and saying things that are unique to him. He’s a delightful companion who permits me to share his daily adventures at http://on.fb.me/STqio3. Iggy would love if you’d like his page and subscribe to “notifications” of new posts.

As I left San Miguel de Allende the end of April on this journey to Europe, in search of “home” and to inhabit my dreams, I’ve been trying to organize and refocus my website and this blog. I still have a long way to go, to put all my professional work on to my personal site and use this blog for my travels, both inner and outer. Between that and online work, for which I am very grateful to my client of 2+ years, Mr. Paul Merriman, I have had good excuses for not blogging.

No more excuses. I recommit. And, if I want to know what I’m committed to, all I have to do is look around at my mirror of my thoughts, feelings, actions (inactions) and interactions. The responsibility is all mine. This feels good.

How are you feeling about your commitments?

If you are a subscriber, thank you! I hope you will share this site on your social media and among friends, and will write a comment, even if briefly, so I know you’ve been here, are with me, which means so much!

I hope you enjoy my first post back, which will post immediately after this: “68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has Traveling Alone.”

Getting Your Needs Met

We all have needs for attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance. But we vary individually in HOW we want those needs to be fulfilled, our capacity to receive, and our ability to express them clearly, so they might be met.

Feeling our needs are not met leads to resentments, anger, sadness, pain, distress, discomfort, constriction and fear… the opposite of the feelings/emotions we yearn to experience: joy, pleasure, comfort, relief and love.

There are three key components, or reasons, our needs are not met:

1. The other person is not able. It is not within their capacity, and therefore it is usually easy to accept that reality. For example, you wouldn’t expect someone with back problems to help you lift heavy boxes, or someone who likes staying home to accompany you on a long trip.

However, problems arise when we don’t accept what another knows or perceives as his/her limitations or truth. We may try to convince, cajole or otherwise disrespect the answer we receive to our request. As Byron Katie says, “Any time you argue with reality, you create your own suffering.” When someone says, “I can’t,” believe them and move on to someone who “can.”

2. Your needs are in conflict with the other’s needs (and vice versa). Meaning, simply, that you have different needs. This is especially important to understand as it also speaks to the reality of things and accepting our real differences.

If your needs are at odds (in conflict with) another person’s, and we respect our self, their needs are also to be respected. If we say, “I need you to accompany me” and the other says they have a previous commitment, our ego might go to a wounded place of feeling unappreciated, unaccepted, unloved. “Aren’t I – my needs – more important than yours?” In fact, no, they are not. They are your needs, and therefore your responsibility to get met.

The beauty of understanding the reality of both #1 and #2, which are essentially the same: hearing and accepting “I can’t” from another, is that there is no blame. Each of us is different, and we let our self and others off the hook when we take sole responsibility for meeting our own needs.

While we delight when someone can meet our needs and their needs are in alignment with ours, we can also take pleasure in knowing we are free to respond to a “no” or “can’t” with: “Thanks, I’ll take care of my needs elsewhere.”

3. You have not clearly communicated your needs. This is the crux of the matter and accounts for perhaps 90% of why you are not getting your needs met. Asking clearly for what we want takes a great deal of conscious communication.

It means knowing what you need, and not waffling just to please another or expecting them to martyr them self or compromise their needs for you (which inevitably leads to ill feelings because their needs are not met).

It means being confident that you deserve to have your needs met.

It means be willing to have the other respond that they are either not able or not interested… and not taking their response personally, as if you are unworthy. That is just not true, and thinking that should act as a big indicator that you need to give your self more attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance.

It means loving your self enough to tell the truth about what you need, and accepting that another person may not be able to give it to you (or at this time, or perhaps ever)… but at least you have given them the opportunity to hear your request and respond honestly.

You CAN get your needs met. You must know them, communicate them clearly, and find the people who able and freely willing to say, “Yes!” Then, it’s up to you to appreciate your self and the other, hearing and reciprocating (as you are capable and choose to) to their needs.

May you live fearlessly, passionately, joyfully!

Aysha is a certified business and relationship coach. For the winter 2011/2012, she is offering a special price for personal coaching via phone or Skype. For more info, see: AyshaGriffin.com

A New Thanksgiving, Without Defenses

I like to think of Thanksgiving as a time for openly expressing gratitude for the abundance and love in our lives. And yet stresses of the holiday season can easily reignite old wounds and a sense of needing to defend our self against the judgments or negativity of others, especially those closest to us.

Usually, we jump to the conclusion that it is that person or this situation that triggers our defensiveness and shuts down our hearts and new possibilities. But, I think the only reason triggers or “buttons” exist is because of old, unexamined and unhealed wounds; usually from our early childhood. How, then, can we heal these, so our present experience is not distorted by our mental and nervous system memory of the past?

If we can observe our defenses as a signal of places within us that need more love; if we can realize that we developed these defenses to survive and feel safe in stressful situations and that they once served us but do not any longer; if we can allow the time and curiosity to excavate the sources of where we have shut down to protect our hearts; if we can forgive our self for the ways we developed to cope that have tripped us up, or trapped us into patterned responses in adulthood; if we can bring appreciation to our unique spirit and embrace that no matter how alone we may feel – or in fact are – we always have our Self… I believe we can discover a new level of freedom, a new level of thanksgiving.

I wish this for you and me. I wish us the blessings of abiding connection to our highest self and appreciation for this Life that we each uniquely embody. HAPPY DAY OF THANKSGIVING!

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More About Defenses

Greg Newman, body-centered life coach and my colleague from the Hendrick’s Institute training (in 1999), has identified some of the most common defenses that occur in close relationship and his suggestions for defusing them. The following is reprinted, with permission, from his monthly newsletter:

Judging/Criticizing; Intellectualizing/Analyzing; Denying; Changing the subject; Going silent/stonewalling; Going numb; Getting righteous; Blaming; Making a joke; Justifying; Getting dramatic; Freezing; Fleeing; Getting sleepy.

When I first started to notice all my different ways of defending in my relationship with my wife June, I was shocked. Defending was my knee-jerk reaction whenever any stress or conflict arose between us. I noticed I was even defending during times of peace and closeness. I was so bound up in my defenses that being “undefended” and open-to-learning was a missing experience in my life.

To defuse my defenses I first had to become conscious of them. If you’re interested in more learning and love, I invite you to consider doing the same. Start by opening your awareness to the specific defenses that show up for you in your interactions with your partner and with others.

For example, your partner might say to you, “I’d like to talk with you about something.”  Immediately you hold your breath then change the subject…”Hey, did you remember to pick up some mustard at the store today?”

Rather than opening up to what your partner wants to talk to you about, and what you might learn from it, you’ve gone into defending. So, identifying what defense you’re in is the first step. Then you can begin to notice “how” you create and maintain the defense in your body.

In other words, how are you shaping your awareness, breath, posture and movement to form and act out the defense? For example, you might go blank, tighten your body or go slack, go numb or rev up, get silent or raise your voice, depending on what defense you are constructing at that moment. If you’re perceptive, it can be like watching a slow-motion film: first you sense the birth of the defense inside of you, then you feel it moving through your nervous system and solidifying in your body. Then you act it out with your partner.

This is an unconscious process for most people. But the sooner you can become aware that a defense is forming inside of you, the sooner you can interrupt this normally unconscious process and open to new creative possibilities.

Typically, when one partner goes into a defense, the other partner reacts by going into a defense of their own. For example, you might defend by withdrawing after your partner goes into blame. Or your partner might defend by getting very loud and dramatic when you’re being stonewalling. When this happens, you have two defenses playing out, rather than two people relating to each other. For some couples, the basis of their relationship is the day-to-day interplay of their defenses.

When you notice yourself defending, it can be very helpful to say to your partner “I notice that I’m defending.” And then to name your defense. For example, “I’ve gone into my blaming defense.”

Bringing consciousness to your defenses and communicating them to your partner in the moment can start to shift the unconscious patterns of defense that play out in most relationships.

If you’d like to defuse your defenses, take three steps this week:

1. Notice when your defenses emerge in your relationship with your partner.

2. Identify the defense (judging, spacing out, justifying your position, etc.) and communicate it to your partner.

3. Tune in to how you’re shaping your defense in your body (what you’re doing with your awareness, breath, posture, movement, voice, etc. that creates and maintains the defense).

The more you can become conscious of your defenses, the easier  it becomes to shift out of them and back into learning and love again.

The Body-Centered Coach is copyright 2011 by Greg Newman. Since 1995, Gregory Newman, MS, has coached individuals and couples in body-centered skills that have made it easier for their lives, relationships and careers to blossom. Greg coaches over-the-phone and in-person and can be reached at 608-274-6962 or greg@bodycenteredcoach.com

Business Lessons from a Standing Ovation

Photograph: Jens N Rgaard Larsen/AFP/Getty Images

Last night, I attended a Gary Burton/Chick Corea concert at Santa Fe’s Lensic Theater. For these two jazz legends it was the last night of a grueling global tour, although there was no evidence of burn-out or boredom.

As professionals, they gave their fans a polished and passionate performance, connecting with the audience through brief anecdotes, thanking us for being there, and playing their music with exuberance as if it were the first, and not the umpteenth, time. They were present.

At the end of two long sets, the audience responded with a rousing standing ovation and the players graciously returned to the stage for an encore.

There are two thoughts I want share from this experience:

1. The audience had already shown appreciation for the players by virtue of having purchased tickets. Money is a standard form of appreciation for something received. The performers showed appreciation for the audience by showing up, starting on time and putting on a professional show.

Nothing more was required of audience or performers. Therefore, the enthusiasm of the audience and gracious response of the performers were “icing on the cake” for both. Being extra-appreciated, as a consumer and/or provider, costs nothing extra and leaves everyone with positive feelings.

2. Standing ovations are a cultural phenomenon associated with the U.S., and seen as crass by other cultures. I am told that in Japan an impressed audience will clap incessantly, even through an encore, but they do not stand; and certainly do not whistle or whoop. As a performer (or business provider), it is critical to understand and communicate with your audience (or market) on their terms.

Nothing feels so fine as a standing ovation, or the equivalent. In my businesses, I have experienced the equivalent when a client has thanked me with a gift, referred an associate or become a friend. I hope I have expressed my appreciation in similar ways, and I hope that you, reading this, know I am grateful for your time and participation in this blog!

How have you experienced a “standing ovation” in your business, or given one to someone in theirs? Please comment below.

Listening and Loving

This post is reprinted by permission of Greg Newman, a gifted and exuberant body-centered coach/teacher I met at the Hendricks Institute training in 1999. For nine years, Greg has diligently emailed a monthly newsletter, each with a new insight and actual practice for enhancing our communication and conscious awareness. At the end, he poses some “wonder questions,” simple ways to consider the subject without judgment or blame. His devotion to empowering others and his personal integrity, is exemplary. He lives in Madison, WI with his wife June, where they also have a therapeutic massage business. You can subscribe to Greg’s free monthly newsletter by signing up at his website.

Active listening – to others and our self – is loving and generous, keeps us in the present, enhances connection and brings forth our best ideas and heart.

DECEMBER BODY-CENTERED COACHING TIP

I have another practice I’d like to share with you just in time for the holidays. I call it listening and loving, because that’s what it is.

Typically when another person is speaking, most of us do something very different than listening and loving. Instead, we often listen and judge, get a rebuttal ready to fire back, mock them in our minds, poke holes in their logic, feel pressure to agree with them and so on.

For example, let’s say that your partner is speaking to you about an issue he or she is having with a co-worker. As your partner describes the situation, your mind goes through a number of mental gymnastics. It makes your partner wrong for having the issue, judges the co-worker harshly for his or her part in it, feels powerless about not being able to do anything about it, or tries to figure out a quick-fix to the problem.

Listening and loving has a very different agenda. You listen generously to what another person has to say, and you love them as they speak. You allow the other person to have their own thoughts and experience. You love them for being able to speak, for their willingness to speak to you, for anything you can find to love about them as they speak. Listening and loving has no agenda except to listen and love.

Have you ever heard a bird sing? You don’t try to outsmart, argue with or coerce a bird that is singing. You just listen and enjoy the song. Each person is a songbird making a song for you to hear.

You might think that listening and loving is boring, or that you won’t be engaging with others if you do it. I have found the opposite to be true. When I am listening and loving, I am present. Space opens between me and the speaker that allows me to hear their words and feelings clearly, without being carried away by them. I am available for the other person, rather than being lost in the maze of my own mental chatter. I feel connected with the person speaking and our conversation can unfold with ease.

When I am listening and loving, I am continuously amazed by the wisdom, insights and creativity that emerge in other people. When someone is listening to and loving me, their loving attention shines a light on my own genius and draws it to the surface like a powerful magnet.

Of course, listening and loving starts at home, inside ourselves. The same ways that you internally judge, ridicule and wrestle with your own thoughts are the patterns that show up when you hear others speak. Listening and loving begins with you, with every thought that passes through your mind. As you learn to listen to and love your own thoughts you will naturally do the same with other people.

So the next time someone is speaking to you, and find yourself mentally or verbally trying to fix them, talk them out of what they think or give them a more enlightened point of view, no problem….just remember to listen and love, and watch your conversation unfold in delightful ways.

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DECEMBER WONDER QUESTIONS

Who do you listen to the most in your life? The least?
Who listens to you the most? The least?
What do you do instead of listening and loving?
What would it be like to listen to and love every one of your thoughts?
What would it be like to listen to and love everyone in your life?

Please share what this brings up for you in comments, below… thanks! – Aysha

How To Get Your Man To Change

Don’t you just love provocative titles like this one? Women’s magazines thrive on this sort of nonsense. The Truth is, YOU CAN’T GET ANYONE TO CHANGE!

It’s impossible to address each individual’s circumstance (except in the confidential confines of therapy, coaching or friendship), so I’ll offer some general observations from my own life, and those of clients and friends, and hope some apply to whoever would be attracted to this topic.

1. If you want someone else to change, it’s usually because you don’t like who you are/what you feel like around them. Is that their problem? You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and well being. If it doesn’t feel good to be with someone, then don’t. It really is that simple when you stop justifying yourself or “him”.

2. “But if only he would do this or say that…” There is no end to complaints. If it’s not this thing, it will be another and the next. If you ask clearly and kindly for some consideration and he chooses to ignore your request, then you have his response. Don’t make excuses for him. And for your own sake, don’t hound him about it – that just makes you a “nag” and him the “bad guy” and sets up a destructive pattern of resentment and guilt. He simply does not care about what you care about in this regard. Is that a deal breaker?

3. Fact: Women are generally more verbal and in touch with their feelings than men. There are exceptions, and they are wonderful, but we’re talking about the man you want to be different than how he is. Your guy may simply not have the communication skills you possess (and think he should have too!). But, the bottom line is actions speak louder than words. Men understand that. Are you being the partner to him that you wish he were being to you? You must have appreciated something about his communication style to have gotten involved in the first place. Maybe you need to revisit those endearing traits and consider: were they just an act? was he always this way but you refused to see him? did he lose them through being ground down by disappointments? might you have stop appreciating them?

If his communication really is insufficient to satisfy your needs, and your energy around ‘issues” is sapping your precious life’s time, then get real with yourself and put a “stop loss” on the relationship. Be sure your own lack of self-love is not causing you to be a bottomless pit needing appreciation, and that you’re not just suffering from “grass is greener somewhere else” fantasies. But, if you’re coming from a place of your own power and love, and the way you relate to one another is untenable, you must take charge of change.

4. If this guy really isn’t for you (anymore); if you can’t accept him “warts and all” as he is (not as you wish he’d be!), then do him and your self a favor and end the relationship. That won’t change him, but it will change you — and isn’t that what we’re really talking about?

Your comments and stories please…

How Dishonesty Undermines Healthy Relationships

I know a married man whose relationship philosophy includes, “Just say what people what to hear.” He believes that being honest can be hurtful or embarrass someone (especially himself). He claims “honesty is highly overrated.” This justifies his surreptitious sexual relationships.

Denying the value of honest communication is a wonderful defense against letting anyone in to your heart and soul, a way to remain aloof, invulnerable and inscrutable. It’s also useful for avoiding confrontation.

What is honesty? It’s defined as “free of deceit and untruthfulness.” It’s communicating what you know and are doing, that is relevant to the person with whom you are communicating. READ MORE >>>