Posts tagged disappointment

Opportunities and Challenges of Donald Trump’s Presidency

The world awoke to a surprising reality on Nov. 9, 2016, that a sleazy businessman – who has said and done the most outrageous, vulgar and hateful things – was elected the 45th President of the United States.

I wandered in a daze all day, under chilly gray skies, unable to focus. Everyone I passed seemed grim, as if a veil of sadness covered the usually sunny, colorful and friendly city. I felt I had entered a book I’d just published for a Young Adult author in Cuba about a cloudy city under the curse of a council of evil witches. I didn’t want to think what this might mean, but of course I knew – just as when I watched the Twin Towers fall – that today was a day that the universe changed.

Facebook friends from the U.S., Canada, England, Netherlands, Spain, Cuba and Mexico expressed extreme sorrow, anger, frustration, bewilderment, and reported even physical reactions like crying and vomiting. And then there were the voices for calm, hope, renewed commitment to values of equality, justice and freedom; and calls to actions of kindness and reconciliation.

What are the challenges?
brother and sister photoBesides the obvious of getting over our immediate reactions of shock, projections of the worst-case scenarios and commiserations of how badly we feel, we need to look out for one another. There are a lot of crazy and angry people who may feel they’ve been given carte blanche to vent. I don’t mean looking out for just our families and small circle of friends, but anyone who might be the victim of hateful or nasty words or deeds.

This same day, a petite blond woman friend was walking down the street, in our seemingly peaceful village of San Miguel de Allende, and a young Mexican dude screamed at her, “Regresa a su país!” (“Go home!”). She is home, a Mexican born and raised in San Miguel.

Anger is powerful, releasing all sorts of chemicals to the brain and body, like adrenaline and nonepinephrine, the same that are released when we feel threatened or unsafe; i.e., in fear. “… Our brains are wired in such a way as to influence us to act before we can properly consider the consequences of our actions. This is not an excuse for behaving badly – people can and do control their aggressive impulses and you can too with some practice. Instead, it means that learning to manage anger properly is a skill that has to be learned, instead of something we are born knowing how to do instinctually.” (From the “Physiology of Anger“)

We need to overcome our fears, old friends photorewire our thoughts and feelings by imagining and actively creating best-case scenarios. This stimulates all sorts of positive neurochemicals that let our bodies know it is safe to be expansive, to be creative, to love and be loved.

What are the opportunities?
For the “Tribe of the Kind and Conscious” – which you are by virtue of reading this – I think it means that we’re going to have to step up to the plate. It’s our turn at bat. How conscious are we really? How aware of the matrix? How willing to put aside our egos, our differences and our comfort zones?

All the years of practicing meditating, yoga, opening our minds and hearts, becoming vulnerable to feelings and aware of the difficulties of being human… now we get to put it to use in the world. Many of us are the elders, the ones who’ve lived through many battles – starting with our own demons. We’ve developed good communication skills, awareness and deep concern for the planet’s health and our own. We know a lot. And, most importantly, we know how to be kind, the meaning of compassion and the power of gratitude and love.

Everything is in crisis! So, how do you and I respond in a crisis? First-responders – those amazing EMTs, firemen, ER docs and nurses – are trained to know what to do, but their work usually involves a singular event, while the complexity of issues and real problems facing all life on earth is extraordinary. Never has the human race been at this point, and you and I are here. What will we make of this? What will we do now?

We could follow Garrison Keilor’s wry advice in today’s Washington Post OpEd piece: ” … let the Republicans build the wall and carry on the trade war with China and deport the undocumented and deal with opioids, and we Democrats can go for a long, brisk walk and smell the roses.” Or, we can exercise our passions, our wisdom and our hearts to collaborate, cooperate, believe in the power of kindness, compassion and love, and support one another in creating, as author Charles Eisenstein calls it, “The more beautiful world our hearts can imagine.” Why not? What better do we have to do?

If you saw yourself as a most-powerful being, what beautiful world would your heart imagine? Please leave a comment below.

beach at sunset, beautiful world

San Miguel de Allende: First Impressions

The full moon hovered large and bright above the mesas, accompanying my pre-dawn shuttle van from Santa Fe to Albuquerque, like a friendly blessing to my farewell to winter and the start of my trip to San Miguel de Allende, in the central “Bajio” region of Mexico.

I had visited San Miguel 37 years ago when living for six months in another nearby Spanish Colonial city, Guanajuato. While I knew that  it and I had changed, I was eager to discover how.

The most marked difference (besides the increase in cars, technology and availability of U.S. goods) is being a Baby Boomer in a city that attracts my ex-pat contemporaries. Instead of being footloose college-age kids, passing through hostels and swapping stories of cheap eats and travel plans, there is an extraordinary community of accomplished, creative people (heavy on the female gender) who have made San Miguel their home, full or part time.

My Santa Fe friend, sculptor and jeweler Karen Wight, has made her full-time home here for five years and invited me to stay in her spacious house/studio in Colonia Guadalupe, a traditional neighborhood in easy walking distance of everything in the city.

Having a local friend always enhances the experience of a new place, but Karen’s many established connections, interests and community engagement, rocketed me into the middle of a vibrant movable feast of food, friends, music, dance, literature, art and general socializing.

While Santa Fe is renowned for many of the same attributes as San Miguel – art, culture, architecture, fiestas, markets, alternative therapies – the difference for me is the genuine openness and welcome I have received here; unlike anywhere I’ve been.

In just four days, I have attended to two private parties and several cantina meet-ups where conversation and tequila flow freely; met almost every vendor at the Saturday organic market at Parque Benito Juarez, and numerous shop and gallery owners (ex-pats who have created businesses here); added more than a dozen personal contacts to my address book of people I want to know; and participated in an annual 10k walk – at the beginning of the 9-day pilgrimage of the faithful to San Juan de Los Lagos – to raise awareness and support for ending domestic violence.

I have visited the baroque-gothic cathedral, La Parroquia de San Miguel Archangel (the tall spires in this photo) and found a favorite food stall at the Jardin across the street with tasty chicken tacos and fries for less than $2. I have walked many of the cobblestone streets and sat in cafes, danced to live music, watched the sun set over the distant arid hills from rooftop decks; visited the public library (“biblioteca”) with its mural-rich rooms and elegant stone courtyard; and taken many photos of the colorful buildings for which San Miguel is famous. I have stayed out late and risen early to the adamant crowing of neighboring roosters. So far, I have found nothing disappointing and am enjoying every minute.

As fund-raising expert, tour guide and botanical illustrator Dianne Aigaki confirmed for me at a small gathering last night, “There is a plethora of phenomenal people in San Miguel.” Her decades-long experience in and out of San Miguel is that it attracts those who want to get back on track from wherever they may have gotten off years ago, or those who are following their creative dreams, or women of a certain age for whom San Miguel offers close friendships and a safe, ready-made social scene.

No doubt, being in a foreign country offers a sense of solidarity and potential for deeper expression or reinvention, but I suspect there is much more… and I intend to find out.

I am trusting in La Luna, which sent me off from Santa Fe in the fullness of the feminine, to guide me in this adventure. Please stay tuned!

San Miguel de Allende offers women a safe, supportive, friendship-oriented environment and ready-made social scene. Patricia Barakat and Karen Wight pose in front of one of many colorful stores.

Families and Holiday Strife – The Choice Is Yours!

Getting together with family over the holidays can be stressful. If you dread obligatory time with relatives – where there are deeply ingrained patterns, predictable dynamics, unpleasant behaviors and topics to be avoided – you know that it is like walking into a minefield of emotional distress.

How you choose to celebrate the holidays, and with whom, is totally your choice – embrace it!

So why would you do this to your self?

Think about it – here you are, an adult who has spent 20, 30, 40 years or more living away from the family that “raised you.” You spent maybe 18 years under the authority and care (however dubious) of these people whose company gives you little if any joy.

As time goes on, those few years under the same roof represent a diminishing percentage of your life and yet – no matter how much time and distance you’ve put between them and you, how much self-reliance, success and happiness you’ve created for yourself – they still have the power to bring you down to your most vulnerable, disempowered little-person self.

How is this possible?

Thoughts and beliefs: “She’s my mother, and I need to honor her!” (or father, sister, brother, etc.). “We’re family, and families stick together.” Does any label give someone the right to treat you with disrespect?  These are powerful forces, but should not be beyond examination if you seek honesty and freedom from destructive behaviors in your self (and others with whom you choose to spend your precious time).  What ideas/beliefs might you hold that keep you hooked in to an abusive dance with someone?

Perennial optimism: “Maybe this time will be different!” So you keep showing up, each time with a different strategy: “I’ll be happy and unshakeable;” “I won’t pay any attention to so-and-so;” “I won’t do/say anything to upset ___;” “I’ll speak my truth and they’ll respond kindly.” You keep trying and getting the same response…is this not Einstein’s definition of insanity? And, is this not textbook co-dependent/abuser behavior?

Maybe, what you want from him/her/them is NOT WITHIN THEIR POWER TO GIVE YOU! This is not because you are undeserving, but probably due to their own guilt, hardness of heart, narcissism, or simple lack of awareness of themselves and their effect on others, including you.

Expectations: Do you expect your dog or cat to speak English, a blind person to see or a deaf person to hear? No, of course not. And yet you continue to expect people who have been disrespectful, sabotaging or diminishing in words and deeds to somehow act differently… this time.

What are you seeking? I venture you are hoping for them to change, to see and acknowledge your value, to appreciate you. GIVE IT UP! No one changes because someone else wants him to. If they change at all, it is because it is in their best interest. As long as they can get away with treating you in ways that are “unacceptable,” they will. Obviously, if you keep showing up, their behavior is good enough to keep the game going, even though it makes you miserable. So the real questions are: Have you had enough misery yet? And, are you willing to give yourself what these others cannot?

Self Love is an inside job: We all need and want appreciation. And yet we must appreciate ourselves so that when others do appreciate us, we can receive it in truth. It’s a common problem among models and celebrities who, no matter how much others tell them they are beautiful, thin or talented, they don’t believe it because they do not know it IN THEM SELF to be true.

Where can you find Apreciation? In the honest valuing of your own heart, in the strength, courage, character you have funded, and in the connections you share with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

When will you stop the pain and abuse? Just as you would advise a woman being beaten by her husband to sever that relationship, you too have the obligation to your healthy self to stop spending time with people who abuse you. While your mother’s sarcasm, your sister’s anger, your father’s indifference may not be as blatant as a physical beating, they are still abuse…and it is up to you to just say “No.”

What will happen if you say “No”? Their “party” will go on without you. They may talk about you behind your back. Who cares? They do anyway! And you can choose to celebrate with human beings who enjoy your company, value your friendship and support your dreams. Or you could take your self off alone on a real vacation and appreciate your self for the courage, wisdom and self-love that only you, ultimately, can give you. No matter what, it’s your responsibility to be honest with yourself and choose how to create and enjoy happy holidays!

If you feel like sharing your experiences with family and holidays, please do by commenting below. If you’d like coaching around this, or other relationship issues, please don’t hesitate to contact me at inhabityourdreams@gmail.com

Why Dreams Don’t Soar

by C. Hope Clark (by kind permission of the author)

No matter how discouraged, your dreams are, after all, yours to inhabit!

What we often attribute to fate and the hand of others is more the fault of grounded dreams – dreams we weighed down ourselves, not allowing the wings to spread and take flight. The change isn’t a sudden slam of a door or quick reversal of speed, but more of a slow easy slide into nothing. And we assume it isn’t our fault. We have to assume some of the responsibility. Whether we admit it or not, we abetted the demise by:

–Letting others dissuade us. It’s amazing how people who haven’t succeeded tend to be the loudest naysayers. While writers are known for having some mighty big hearts, those who don’t understand the craft still tend to believe anyone can pull off a bestseller. We hear far too many negatives, and we start to believe the words.

–Letting past disappointment control us. We’ve failed in other arenas. We’ve had close calls with contracts. We’ve submitted to 72 agents, been rejected 42 times and ignored 32. We’ve divorced, endured physical restrictions, and weathered disease.

–Letting that inner editor tell us that we’ve done fine considering the odds. We’d be better off NOT knowing the odds. That way we don’t settle for less than our best.

–Letting the hard work stop us from tackling another hurdle. We get tired, and our confidence weakens.

–Locking up our imagination. Like dancing in front of people, we fear cutting loose and letting our inner child free. We grip what’s comfortable instead of jumping on the dance floor under the spotlight, where people can easily judge.

Sometimes the odds stack up against us but, face it, our attitude about how we deal with our dreams is completely in our hands. Maintain control. After all, it’s your dream, and no one else’s.

(Editor’s Note: Hope Clark is a writer/editor and true champion of other writers. Her website, http://www.fundsforwriters.com/, is a marvelous resource for both aspiring and seasoned writers).

Minding My Own Business

Whose Business Are You In?

A friend invited me to a free “healing session” with a woman she had a private session with the day before. She warned me that this healer talked a lot and was not someone with whom she connected personally, but the transmission was powerful and she felt strongly I would benefit from it.

Indeed, the healer went on and on about herself, sang us a long and boring song (which she said was the “short version”) and finally got down to the energy shifting part of the evening. I was physically uncomfortable lying on the floor (not knowing we were supposed to bring a mat and blanket), but I tried to remain present and open to whatever I might receive. Read More >>>