Posts tagged Gratitude

Opportunities and Challenges of Donald Trump’s Presidency

The world awoke to a surprising reality on Nov. 9, 2016, that a sleazy businessman – who has said and done the most outrageous, vulgar and hateful things – was elected the 45th President of the United States.

I wandered in a daze all day, under chilly gray skies, unable to focus. Everyone I passed seemed grim, as if a veil of sadness covered the usually sunny, colorful and friendly city. I felt I had entered a book I’d just published for a Young Adult author in Cuba about a cloudy city under the curse of a council of evil witches. I didn’t want to think what this might mean, but of course I knew – just as when I watched the Twin Towers fall – that today was a day that the universe changed.

Facebook friends from the U.S., Canada, England, Netherlands, Spain, Cuba and Mexico expressed extreme sorrow, anger, frustration, bewilderment, and reported even physical reactions like crying and vomiting. And then there were the voices for calm, hope, renewed commitment to values of equality, justice and freedom; and calls to actions of kindness and reconciliation.

What are the challenges?
brother and sister photoBesides the obvious of getting over our immediate reactions of shock, projections of the worst-case scenarios and commiserations of how badly we feel, we need to look out for one another. There are a lot of crazy and angry people who may feel they’ve been given carte blanche to vent. I don’t mean looking out for just our families and small circle of friends, but anyone who might be the victim of hateful or nasty words or deeds.

This same day, a petite blond woman friend was walking down the street, in our seemingly peaceful village of San Miguel de Allende, and a young Mexican dude screamed at her, “Regresa a su país!” (“Go home!”). She is home, a Mexican born and raised in San Miguel.

Anger is powerful, releasing all sorts of chemicals to the brain and body, like adrenaline and nonepinephrine, the same that are released when we feel threatened or unsafe; i.e., in fear. “… Our brains are wired in such a way as to influence us to act before we can properly consider the consequences of our actions. This is not an excuse for behaving badly – people can and do control their aggressive impulses and you can too with some practice. Instead, it means that learning to manage anger properly is a skill that has to be learned, instead of something we are born knowing how to do instinctually.” (From the “Physiology of Anger“)

We need to overcome our fears, old friends photorewire our thoughts and feelings by imagining and actively creating best-case scenarios. This stimulates all sorts of positive neurochemicals that let our bodies know it is safe to be expansive, to be creative, to love and be loved.

What are the opportunities?
For the “Tribe of the Kind and Conscious” – which you are by virtue of reading this – I think it means that we’re going to have to step up to the plate. It’s our turn at bat. How conscious are we really? How aware of the matrix? How willing to put aside our egos, our differences and our comfort zones?

All the years of practicing meditating, yoga, opening our minds and hearts, becoming vulnerable to feelings and aware of the difficulties of being human… now we get to put it to use in the world. Many of us are the elders, the ones who’ve lived through many battles – starting with our own demons. We’ve developed good communication skills, awareness and deep concern for the planet’s health and our own. We know a lot. And, most importantly, we know how to be kind, the meaning of compassion and the power of gratitude and love.

Everything is in crisis! So, how do you and I respond in a crisis? First-responders – those amazing EMTs, firemen, ER docs and nurses – are trained to know what to do, but their work usually involves a singular event, while the complexity of issues and real problems facing all life on earth is extraordinary. Never has the human race been at this point, and you and I are here. What will we make of this? What will we do now?

We could follow Garrison Keilor’s wry advice in today’s Washington Post OpEd piece: ” … let the Republicans build the wall and carry on the trade war with China and deport the undocumented and deal with opioids, and we Democrats can go for a long, brisk walk and smell the roses.” Or, we can exercise our passions, our wisdom and our hearts to collaborate, cooperate, believe in the power of kindness, compassion and love, and support one another in creating, as author Charles Eisenstein calls it, “The more beautiful world our hearts can imagine.” Why not? What better do we have to do?

If you saw yourself as a most-powerful being, what beautiful world would your heart imagine? Please leave a comment below.

beach at sunset, beautiful world

68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has When Traveling Alone in Europe

IMG_1247After walking the ancient wall that encloses the original city of Girona, Catalonia,  I returned to my computer to find an article, “68 Thoughts Every Traveler Has On Their Trip Around The World” by Nomadic Matt, one of the many travel writers to whom I happily subscribe. He does a great job at encouraging his peers to “travel cheaper, better, and longer.” While his article appeals and applies to a 20-something beer-drinking, hostel-staying crowd – the ones I met 35 years ago – it inspired me to wonder if I could make a list of “68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has When Traveling Alone.” Why not?

Matt wrote his list in the third person; mine is first-person and I would not presume or generalize about anyone else’s experience. Although I have had some times of loneliness, I am pleased to note I’ve had no regrets about embarking on this journey, I have been supported in countless ways by human angels at every turn, and have faith I will find my way “”home” and inhabit my dreams all along the way.

Your comments, as always, are welcome. As Iggymo would say, smiles and love.

68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has Traveling Alone

1. I’ve done this before, I can do it again.
2. This time I am more mature, have more skills and contacts and know-how to plan and budget.
3. I know it’s important to travel light, but damn, I need these 5 pairs of shoes because I have bunions and my feet ache and I need to have alternatives.
4. I will be traveling to various climates and have many experiences, so I need a variety of clothes for warm and cool weather, informal and more formal.
5. I need these hair and body products, this makeup, these over-the-counter drugs just in case… it’s a lot to carry, but important.
6. OK, so I fit everything into 2 rolling bags that weigh in just below the airline limit (25kg each). No matter, I can hire porters and airport carts.
7. There are no porters and airport carts. My bags are way too heavy.
8. I’m afraid I’m going to strain a muscle.
9. Why is there no one to help me?
10. Why did I agree to stay in a 4th floor walk-up without an elevator?
11. Oh well, it’s for a few weeks and I only have to carry them up and down once.
12. Yay! I am in Madrid!
13. It’s a beautiful city I’ve been in twice before and know my way around.
14. There are people everywhere, and I am lonely.
15. I attend InterNations events and get together with a few people. Well done, making new friends, seeing the sights.
16. I am still lonely.
17. I need to make more friends.
18. I do. Good, interesting people. Good for me.
19. This is the first stop on what may be a long journey in search of home. I chose this. Be patient.
20. Love yourself.
21. Everyone thinks you’re courageous.
22. I’m not. I want to see if it’s true what I’ve been telling others: that you can “Inhabit Your Dreams!” Can you really? Can I?
23. Damn, I spent a lot of money on clothes, thinking I needed to buy them before I left, only to discover I could have bought better, cheaper, more interesting clothes in Madrid.
24. I’ll give away everything I don’t need and then my suitcases will be lighter.
25. Two bags of clothes and toiletries gone to the woman who cleans the hallways, and still my bags are full to the max and too heavy.  How can this be? What else can I give away?
26. Why did I bring all those toiletries and medicines? I can buy almost everything I need when I need it.
27. Why did I bring a router and printer? I thought I’d need them for my work, but this is Europe and there is wi-fi and copy shops are everywhere. Get rid of them.
28. I give them to friends to use, with the agreement I can have them back if I need them. Why would I need them? Stop hanging on to things for some imagined contingency.
24. I carry the still-too-heavy bags down 4 flights of stairs, one at a time, at 7 a.m. Why is there no one here to help me?
25. I could hurt myself.
26. I do not know how to travel light.
27. Why is the taxi I reserved not here to take me to the train station?
28. I could miss my train and keep a friend waiting who is driving a long way to meet me. How would I get in touch with her? I haven’t figured out how to call France from Spain on a Spanish cell phone.
29. I am pathetic.
30. I will leave all my things in the hallway and hope no one steals them while I run around the corner and hope to find a taxi. Am I am idiot?
31. I find a taxi. I am OK. I am resourceful.
32. Strangers help me with my over-weight bags. I am blessed.
33. My new friend is at the Bayonne station to meet me. All is well.
34. I stay at her beautiful home in the French countryside. I am so lucky. How can two weeks pass so quickly? I didn’t get much done.
35. I am much more relaxed, at peace with this path I’ve set for myself.
36. I am organized.
37. I leave more things behind but my bags are still too heavy.
38. I am on my way to Girona, where I have wanted to go for years, and with a great place to stay, thanks to more great people in my life. It’s all good.
39. There is a French railroad strike and I cannot use the ticket I bought weeks ago to Girona. Now what? Why is this happening to me?
40. There must be another way to get there. Yes, a bus at midnight getting me in at 4 a.m. OK, I’ll deal with it. I buy the bus ticket. Whew. I’ll email my friends in Girona.
41. Fuckin’ internet at the station doesn’t work (“Sorry for the inconvenience” says the online message). I am being foiled at every turn. Am I not supposed to go to Girona? Stop with the “magical thinking,” it’s just a railway strike!
43. I find a wifi signal and get through to them. They are very helpful and consoling. Relax. All is well.
42. Can I just retreat to the comfort of my friend’s nice house in the country? No, you must carry on. Remember how courageous your friends think you are.
43. Thank god there is baggage storage next to the train station. I wheel my bags, piggy backed. It works on flat paved ground. Pretty cool.
44. Now what? I break down and cry. Why am I all alone? This is too much.
45. You’re in Toulouse. You were here before in 2008, as a journalist guest of the Tourism Board. You can rent a city bike. You have a Mexican credit card with a chip in it that should work. You are so smart.
47. With help from other bike renter, you figure it out. It works. Now ride around and see what you can discover. It’s a beautiful day. All is well.
48. I wave at kids on a boat on the river and stop to buy a bottle of water. A young French man and I get into a conversation. He is a filmmaker, lived in Australia, is full of ideas. We talk for a hour. He takes a photo of Iggy and me and the bike. How sweet! Life is full of good things.
49. The gazebo at the park is full of dancing couples, the sidewalk cafes full of friends. It is beautiful and I feel lonely.
50. The bus is full and cramped. How have I managed to travel widely and this is the first time ever that my plans have been derailed? I guess I am lucky.
51. I am in Girona. My friends make me feel very welcome. But they are leaving for the weeks I will be here. I will be alone.
52. This is a beautiful apartment they have given me. I feel grateful.
53. The city has so much history and places to explore. I can take care of myself here, see what I want, do what I want.
54. I don’t really care about churches and museums. I’ve seen a lot of them. What am I really interested in and when am I going to finish writing the two books I have in process?
55. I get out and walk around, talk to people, use “my companion” IggyMo as a device. Some moments are interesting, engaged. I stop and interact. I am good at this.
56. There are many shops with beautiful things. I don’t need to buy anything. It’s strange not having a home in which to put beautiful things.
57. The bread, pastries, wine and chocolates are fabulous and cheap. I am enjoying them all and hope I don’t gain weight.
58. That’s what happened 35 years ago when I traveled in Europe alone. But I was scared then. I’m not scared now, just missing having someone to share all this with.
59. I have coffee with a neighbor. How nice!
60. He has a life. I don’t. But I am just getting started creating this new one. Be gentle with yourself.
61. I am good at distracting myself with Facebook, with work, with writing this list.
62. Remember: this is what many people dream of doing. This is what you said you dream of doing!
63. I feel grateful for my freedom, for the many friends around the world who think of me, care about me, allow me to care about them. How blessed I am!
64. I will take myself to the coast tomorrow, as it will be hot and sunny and I want to go to the Costa Brava, the Brave Coast. I want to be brave.
65. This is my life, my human experience. I am fortunate to be here, to look out over this beautiful historic city of Girona and have so many adventures ahead.
66. I could go to a jazz club tonight, but I am too tired.
67. I think of going to Barcelona for a day or two, as it’s so close, but it seems exhausting. I was there for a week in 2006 and I have no desire to sightsee. Too many people. Better to stay in a place, ideally for a month of more.
68. In 2 weeks I will train to Paris (if there’s no train strike) and meet up with one of my oldest, dearest friends and, for that week, and the next with another friend in Burgundy, I will share the experience and appreciate not being alone. I will get rid of even more stuff, and little by little my luggage must surely become lighter.

Getting Your Needs Met

We all have needs for attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance. But we vary individually in HOW we want those needs to be fulfilled, our capacity to receive, and our ability to express them clearly, so they might be met.

Feeling our needs are not met leads to resentments, anger, sadness, pain, distress, discomfort, constriction and fear… the opposite of the feelings/emotions we yearn to experience: joy, pleasure, comfort, relief and love.

There are three key components, or reasons, our needs are not met:

1. The other person is not able. It is not within their capacity, and therefore it is usually easy to accept that reality. For example, you wouldn’t expect someone with back problems to help you lift heavy boxes, or someone who likes staying home to accompany you on a long trip.

However, problems arise when we don’t accept what another knows or perceives as his/her limitations or truth. We may try to convince, cajole or otherwise disrespect the answer we receive to our request. As Byron Katie says, “Any time you argue with reality, you create your own suffering.” When someone says, “I can’t,” believe them and move on to someone who “can.”

2. Your needs are in conflict with the other’s needs (and vice versa). Meaning, simply, that you have different needs. This is especially important to understand as it also speaks to the reality of things and accepting our real differences.

If your needs are at odds (in conflict with) another person’s, and we respect our self, their needs are also to be respected. If we say, “I need you to accompany me” and the other says they have a previous commitment, our ego might go to a wounded place of feeling unappreciated, unaccepted, unloved. “Aren’t I – my needs – more important than yours?” In fact, no, they are not. They are your needs, and therefore your responsibility to get met.

The beauty of understanding the reality of both #1 and #2, which are essentially the same: hearing and accepting “I can’t” from another, is that there is no blame. Each of us is different, and we let our self and others off the hook when we take sole responsibility for meeting our own needs.

While we delight when someone can meet our needs and their needs are in alignment with ours, we can also take pleasure in knowing we are free to respond to a “no” or “can’t” with: “Thanks, I’ll take care of my needs elsewhere.”

3. You have not clearly communicated your needs. This is the crux of the matter and accounts for perhaps 90% of why you are not getting your needs met. Asking clearly for what we want takes a great deal of conscious communication.

It means knowing what you need, and not waffling just to please another or expecting them to martyr them self or compromise their needs for you (which inevitably leads to ill feelings because their needs are not met).

It means being confident that you deserve to have your needs met.

It means be willing to have the other respond that they are either not able or not interested… and not taking their response personally, as if you are unworthy. That is just not true, and thinking that should act as a big indicator that you need to give your self more attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance.

It means loving your self enough to tell the truth about what you need, and accepting that another person may not be able to give it to you (or at this time, or perhaps ever)… but at least you have given them the opportunity to hear your request and respond honestly.

You CAN get your needs met. You must know them, communicate them clearly, and find the people who able and freely willing to say, “Yes!” Then, it’s up to you to appreciate your self and the other, hearing and reciprocating (as you are capable and choose to) to their needs.

May you live fearlessly, passionately, joyfully!

Aysha is a certified business and relationship coach. For the winter 2011/2012, she is offering a special price for personal coaching via phone or Skype. For more info, see: AyshaGriffin.com

Learning To Love A Cat

I was dreaming of galloping on horseback across the Russian steppes, a la Doctor Zhivago, in a big fur coat and hat, when I awoke to find Frijol, the cat, draped over my head on the pillow.

The “Cat As A Hat”… what would Dr. Seuss would say about that?

He might say I was fortunate,
that rather than synthetic knit,
I should have in dreamtime writ
the comfort of a furry kit.

I have only known Frijol for 6 weeks, since I moved in with him in a modern-style home in a centrally located upscale colonia (neighborhood). Frijol’s person, Carlos, travels a lot for work and pleasure, and kindly invited me to pet sit.  As far as Carlos is concerned, there is nothing to this job besides providing food, fresh water, the occasional delactated milk and scooping out the litter box. As far as Frijol is concerned, I am his hired hands and devoted companion. Clearly, it is my job to provide a comfortable lap to sit on, hands to stroke his soft, lithe body, fingers to be nibbled upon, arms to burrow into… and acceptance that my clothes will be covered in white fur.

Having exclusively adored several canines throughout my adult life, I have not been in the company of a feline in a long time and, of course, each one is different. But this Frijol (“Bean”) is a young, enthusiastic being, entertaining me with his self-absorbed play: rolling a cork around the floor, boxing with the string from a hoodie, crawling into every open cabinet and drawer. He waits patiently for me to stroke him, sits at length staring at something or nothing, and is a riot a bed (oolala!). He hides under the folds of the duvet. I toss him in the air to the other side of the bed and he rushes back at me to be tossed again. This goes on until I tired of the game and then he slinks onto my breast as I read, and curls up under my chin or wraps him self, like a stole, around my shoulders. He is a sleek fashion accessory with a soothing ‘white noise’ engine. Purrrrr.

Unlike a dog, Frijol-the-cat does not run to greet me wagging and ‘talking,’ rushing to get a toy to show and begging for acknowledgment. But, when he notices I am home, he says ‘hello’ (or ‘hola,’ being a Mexican cat) in his Siamese-y meow, and eventually he struts over for a caress. But it is in the night, through those long hours of dark and dream, his big-cat spirit is there beside me, nestled in the crook of my knee, stretched out along the length of my belly, or wrapped around my head like a comfy Cossack hat. I am grateful not only for this comfortable, secure house in which to have stayed, but for Frijol, my special feline friend, who has taught me to appreciate the value of his companionship, and what a fair trade is our care for one another!

Here is a parting Seuss-inspired thought:

Wherever your Youville
Your friends big and small,
furless and furry,
be good to them all.
Today, as the sun attempts to be sunny,
I hope you have lots of good fun that is funny!

 

 

 

Business Lessons from a Standing Ovation

Photograph: Jens N Rgaard Larsen/AFP/Getty Images

Last night, I attended a Gary Burton/Chick Corea concert at Santa Fe’s Lensic Theater. For these two jazz legends it was the last night of a grueling global tour, although there was no evidence of burn-out or boredom.

As professionals, they gave their fans a polished and passionate performance, connecting with the audience through brief anecdotes, thanking us for being there, and playing their music with exuberance as if it were the first, and not the umpteenth, time. They were present.

At the end of two long sets, the audience responded with a rousing standing ovation and the players graciously returned to the stage for an encore.

There are two thoughts I want share from this experience:

1. The audience had already shown appreciation for the players by virtue of having purchased tickets. Money is a standard form of appreciation for something received. The performers showed appreciation for the audience by showing up, starting on time and putting on a professional show.

Nothing more was required of audience or performers. Therefore, the enthusiasm of the audience and gracious response of the performers were “icing on the cake” for both. Being extra-appreciated, as a consumer and/or provider, costs nothing extra and leaves everyone with positive feelings.

2. Standing ovations are a cultural phenomenon associated with the U.S., and seen as crass by other cultures. I am told that in Japan an impressed audience will clap incessantly, even through an encore, but they do not stand; and certainly do not whistle or whoop. As a performer (or business provider), it is critical to understand and communicate with your audience (or market) on their terms.

Nothing feels so fine as a standing ovation, or the equivalent. In my businesses, I have experienced the equivalent when a client has thanked me with a gift, referred an associate or become a friend. I hope I have expressed my appreciation in similar ways, and I hope that you, reading this, know I am grateful for your time and participation in this blog!

How have you experienced a “standing ovation” in your business, or given one to someone in theirs? Please comment below.

Transitioning To A New Story Of Connection

Charles Eisenstein, author of "Ascent of Humanity", spoke to Journey Santa Fe group this morning

Depression. Anxiety. Despair. We are familiar with the morass of emotions regarding old systems and beliefs that separated us and no longer work, and new creative ideas and ways that connect us but are not yet fully developed.  We know things must change, but it’s often difficult to imagine ‘how’ when it seems the “powers-that-be” are so entrenched and destructive.

This morning, I was feeling pretty sad, thinking of the Japanese nuclear meltdown and the U.S. obsession with war. Just yesterday, as one small example, 165 Trident missiles were shot into Libya at $1.5 million each, or $250 million dollars (just a tip of the iceberg of the day’s military expenditures). How can we reconcile this recklessness and dollar expense with the death and destruction of Libyan lives and the fact that every aspect of our society needs rebuilding? We can’t. It doesn’t make any sense… except if we see it as the old story that is passing away.

“When something is almost finished, it takes on an extremely grotesque appearance. We are in the death throes of the civilization we’re living in. As institutions and systems crumble, we are in a world in transition,” says Charles Eisenstein, author of “Ascent of Humanity”, about the history and future of civilization from a unique perspective: the evolution of the human sense of self.

This morning, I had the pleasure of hearing Eisenstein speak, sponsored by Journey Santa Fe at Santa Fe’s Travel Bug store.

Eisenstein, 44, sees this time in history as one of great transformation. He is hopeful, but not idealistic; visionary, but not unrealistic. His message encourages us to see what is passing away and what is being born, recognizing we are in a liminal state; on the threshold of turning from systems of exploitation and separation to those of co-creation and mutual care.

Looking at what has been and no longer works, Eisenstein explained how the money game, based on interest-bearing debt, converts nature to goods and relationships to services, thereby creating scarcity, competition and mindless greed that has separated us from one another.

He talked of those so engrossed with the virtual world that “they do not see or care that earth, ecosystems and people are dying of neglect. We have seen our selves as separate, and even the story of self is ending too. We’re learning this painfully.”

The importance of stories
“We don’t believe in the old stories, but we don’t have the new stories yet,” said Eisenstein, holding out the vision that our new story contains and embeds a new story of the people, connected. He is sure that “We are here to love and co-create our relationship with earth.”

There are many examples of how things are changing and we are acknowledging the importance of our hearts. He cites “alternative medicine” and “holistic approaches” which many people in our society now seek. Another example is hospice. You can ask your logical mind, “What difference does it make to be with a dying person?” Our hearts know this is significant but our minds don’t understand. As we’ve all experienced, our mind argues with our heart. It is time, he contends to guide our choices in a different way.

So, how do we make this transition, to write and tell this new story of the people connected?  “This is evolutionary,” said Eisenstein. “We need to undo the ideology of separation, undo the old stories, listen to our heart and what it wants to say, “yes!” to.  We need to cultivate the connected self.”

The role of the Gift
His idea for cultivating the connected self, or community, is recognizing the role of the Gift.  Eisenstein explains, “In traditional money-based economy, if there’s more for you, there’s less for me. In the gift-based economy, if you have more than you need, you give it away. Ecology works like this. We know this but we don’t believe what we know.

“Most of us spend our lives doing things we don’t really believe in… for the money. I’m pretending to care because I’m paid to. You find yourself asking, ‘What about MY life?’  If your gifts are not totally expressed and received, you feel you’re not living your life.

“Our desire is to want to give and enact our purpose here. Community is woven from gifts and stories, and reliance on one another. In our society, money replaces the need to need or appreciate another – ‘I paid you!’  Gift creates a tie. I feel gratitude for the knowledge of having received, and give in return.

“Gift expands self. Greed becomes insane.  To give and receive is balance. To refuse gifts is stingy, selfish, rude. Give your gifts. Trust your desire to give, and the universe responds to it. Visualize to ready yourself to say ‘yes!’”

How do we infuse today’s world with properties of the Gift?
In a word: Appreciation. In my experience – as a human, a woman, a writer, a coach, someone for whom the human story is endlessly fascinating and human relationships of kindness and decency supremely important – I am in full agreement with Charles Eisenstein that changing the grotesque old story of separation and disconnection to a new one of love and connection begins with appreciation of one’s self and the world we each create moment-by-moment through our thoughts, words and deeds.

May we each hold the vision Eisenstein articulates of reunion, not separation. We know that old game and it’s not working. It’s time to wake up, listen to our hearts and share and receive our gifts. I welcome your thoughts below!

Eisenstein’s new book, “Sacred Economics” is due out July 2011.  To read more about all this and get connected, I recommend his blog, Reality Sandwich, “evolving consciousness, bite by bite, counteracting the doom-and-gloom of the daily news.”

Families and Holiday Strife – The Choice Is Yours!

Getting together with family over the holidays can be stressful. If you dread obligatory time with relatives – where there are deeply ingrained patterns, predictable dynamics, unpleasant behaviors and topics to be avoided – you know that it is like walking into a minefield of emotional distress.

How you choose to celebrate the holidays, and with whom, is totally your choice – embrace it!

So why would you do this to your self?

Think about it – here you are, an adult who has spent 20, 30, 40 years or more living away from the family that “raised you.” You spent maybe 18 years under the authority and care (however dubious) of these people whose company gives you little if any joy.

As time goes on, those few years under the same roof represent a diminishing percentage of your life and yet – no matter how much time and distance you’ve put between them and you, how much self-reliance, success and happiness you’ve created for yourself – they still have the power to bring you down to your most vulnerable, disempowered little-person self.

How is this possible?

Thoughts and beliefs: “She’s my mother, and I need to honor her!” (or father, sister, brother, etc.). “We’re family, and families stick together.” Does any label give someone the right to treat you with disrespect?  These are powerful forces, but should not be beyond examination if you seek honesty and freedom from destructive behaviors in your self (and others with whom you choose to spend your precious time).  What ideas/beliefs might you hold that keep you hooked in to an abusive dance with someone?

Perennial optimism: “Maybe this time will be different!” So you keep showing up, each time with a different strategy: “I’ll be happy and unshakeable;” “I won’t pay any attention to so-and-so;” “I won’t do/say anything to upset ___;” “I’ll speak my truth and they’ll respond kindly.” You keep trying and getting the same response…is this not Einstein’s definition of insanity? And, is this not textbook co-dependent/abuser behavior?

Maybe, what you want from him/her/them is NOT WITHIN THEIR POWER TO GIVE YOU! This is not because you are undeserving, but probably due to their own guilt, hardness of heart, narcissism, or simple lack of awareness of themselves and their effect on others, including you.

Expectations: Do you expect your dog or cat to speak English, a blind person to see or a deaf person to hear? No, of course not. And yet you continue to expect people who have been disrespectful, sabotaging or diminishing in words and deeds to somehow act differently… this time.

What are you seeking? I venture you are hoping for them to change, to see and acknowledge your value, to appreciate you. GIVE IT UP! No one changes because someone else wants him to. If they change at all, it is because it is in their best interest. As long as they can get away with treating you in ways that are “unacceptable,” they will. Obviously, if you keep showing up, their behavior is good enough to keep the game going, even though it makes you miserable. So the real questions are: Have you had enough misery yet? And, are you willing to give yourself what these others cannot?

Self Love is an inside job: We all need and want appreciation. And yet we must appreciate ourselves so that when others do appreciate us, we can receive it in truth. It’s a common problem among models and celebrities who, no matter how much others tell them they are beautiful, thin or talented, they don’t believe it because they do not know it IN THEM SELF to be true.

Where can you find Apreciation? In the honest valuing of your own heart, in the strength, courage, character you have funded, and in the connections you share with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

When will you stop the pain and abuse? Just as you would advise a woman being beaten by her husband to sever that relationship, you too have the obligation to your healthy self to stop spending time with people who abuse you. While your mother’s sarcasm, your sister’s anger, your father’s indifference may not be as blatant as a physical beating, they are still abuse…and it is up to you to just say “No.”

What will happen if you say “No”? Their “party” will go on without you. They may talk about you behind your back. Who cares? They do anyway! And you can choose to celebrate with human beings who enjoy your company, value your friendship and support your dreams. Or you could take your self off alone on a real vacation and appreciate your self for the courage, wisdom and self-love that only you, ultimately, can give you. No matter what, it’s your responsibility to be honest with yourself and choose how to create and enjoy happy holidays!

If you feel like sharing your experiences with family and holidays, please do by commenting below. If you’d like coaching around this, or other relationship issues, please don’t hesitate to contact me at inhabityourdreams@gmail.com

Giving Thanks – A State of Grace

I could not improve upon the message of Thanksgiving from one of my wonderful teachers, Hal Isen, who sends out a newsletter, “Core Wisdom® – The Way of the Practical Mystic,” from time to time. I highly recommend his life-changing book, The Genesis Principle: A Journey into the Source of Creativity and Leadership. His website is: http://corewisdom.com/

CORE WISDOM: Giving Thanks – A State of Grace

Abundance of the season. Photo by Aysha Griffin

If the only prayer you say in your life is “thank you,” that would suffice. – Meister Eckhart

This Thanksgiving, many of you will be spending the holiday with family and friends that you have known for years. For others, the day may be celebrated with new acquaintances.

For some of you, this Thanksgiving may be marked by the absence of the familiar form of one loved dearly. For others, there will be the presence of a new, unfamiliar expression of Spirit sitting at your table.

What is changeless is that which is the Source of all life. It is always present and accessible to experience within the multiplicity of forms that manifest themselves as “humanity”.

When we are open to receive,  we become present to that which precedes form and is the source of all forms. We find ourselves in a spontaneous state of awe, wonder, and gratitude beyond words for the miracle that is life itself in each and every moment.

To give thanks for life is to move into a state of Grace beyond appearances, beyond preferences, beyond “good” and “bad”, and beyond duality itself. It is a state where one is present to the deep abiding pulse that is at the heart of all life.

I invite you to engage in a simple, powerful inquiry on Thanksgiving day: As you take a walk or climb a flight of stairs, as you embrace the voices and laughter of others around the Thanksgiving table, and when you find yourself just sitting quietly before or after your Thanksgiving dinner, allow a few moments to reflect on what you are thankful for.

Start with something obvious and simple, and the rest will flow. Observe what you experience when you do this inner inquiry wholeheartedly for only a few minutes.

Below are a few examples of some simple yet miraculous gifts you might reflect on with grateful thanks:

The gift of SIGHT… of wonder and curiosity in a child’s face, of the symphony of colors, hues, and tones at sunset, the shimmering of light on water on a moonlit night, the graceful curve of a neck, the purple radiance of flowers on a green hillside, the synchronicity of a flight of birds flying South in the cool of Autumn, the twinkling of a star, a painting by Monet, the light in a lover’s eyes.

The gift of HEARING… music, the whisper of the wind through fall leaves, the crunch of hard packed snow underfoot, voices strange and voices familiar, a baby’s laughter, a child’s first word, an anguished cry of loss, an intimate’s gasp of pleasure, a parent’s last sigh.

The gifts of TOUCH,SMELL and TASTE…the texture, aroma, and taste of the pumpkin pie, the smoothness of an infant’s skin, the warm,
textured grain in a piece of wood, the cold, hard smoothness of metal, the scent and warmth of a loved one’s embrace.

The gift of FEELING…aware of, experiencing, allowing, welcoming, embracing, understanding, and having compassion for the whole range of human emotions.

The gift of MOVEMENT…being aware and in awe of the miracle of our bodies to move, to crawl, to walk, to run, to jump, to dance, and to love in spontaneous response to our intention.

The gift of BREATH… as Spirit breathes through us, in and out.

The gift of family, friends and teachers… of all shapes, forms, and sizes.

The gifts of FORGIVENESS, COMPASSION, and LOVE …that open our hearts to embrace the essence and forms of all that is.

This Thanksgiving, allow yourself to reside in the space of thankfulness and gratitude. Ask yourself, “What am I thankful for?” Be still, and the answer will come. And then another. And another.

I invite you to live from THANKFULNESS and GRATITUDE in all the days that follow. Awaken in the morning to the question, “What am I thankful for?”Go to sleep in that question. Observe how your life begins to transform into being an expression of the space of thankfulness and gratitude.

At this time of Thanksgiving, I thank each of you for the gift you are in my life in whatever form or forms that has taken — as family, partner, friend, adversary, business associate, neighbor, student, client, mentor, guide, guru, acquaintance, or passerby.

You are all my teachers.You have all given me priceless opportunities in this life to question, to experience, to learn, to grow, to relate, to understand, to allow, to transform, to know, to create, to love, and to BE.

Thank you for BEING in my life.

With love, joy, gratitude and appreciation,

Hal (and Aysha!)

© 2010 Hal Isen & Associates, Inc.