Posts tagged honesty

A New Thanksgiving, Without Defenses

November 23, 2011 2 Comments Relationships

I like to think of Thanksgiving as a time for openly expressing gratitude for the abundance and love in our lives. And yet stresses of the holiday season can easily reignite old wounds and a sense of needing to defend our self against the judgments or negativity of others, especially those closest to us.

Usually, we jump to the conclusion that it is that person or this situation that triggers our defensiveness and shuts down our hearts and new possibilities. But, I think the only reason triggers or “buttons” exist is because of old, unexamined and unhealed wounds; usually from our early childhood. How, then, can we heal these, so our present experience is not distorted by our mental and nervous system memory of the past?

If we can observe our defenses as a signal of places within us that need more love; if we can realize that we developed these defenses to survive and feel safe in stressful situations and that they once served us but do not any longer; if we can allow the time and curiosity to excavate the sources of where we have shut down to protect our hearts; if we can forgive our self for the ways we developed to cope that have tripped us up, or trapped us into patterned responses in adulthood; if we can bring appreciation to our unique spirit and embrace that no matter how alone we may feel – or in fact are – we always have our Self… I believe we can discover a new level of freedom, a new level of thanksgiving.

I wish this for you and me. I wish us the blessings of abiding connection to our highest self and appreciation for this Life that we each uniquely embody. HAPPY DAY OF THANKSGIVING!

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More About Defenses

Greg Newman, body-centered life coach and my colleague from the Hendrick’s Institute training (in 1999), has identified some of the most common defenses that occur in close relationship and his suggestions for defusing them. The following is reprinted, with permission, from his monthly newsletter:

Judging/Criticizing; Intellectualizing/Analyzing; Denying; Changing the subject; Going silent/stonewalling; Going numb; Getting righteous; Blaming; Making a joke; Justifying; Getting dramatic; Freezing; Fleeing; Getting sleepy.

When I first started to notice all my different ways of defending in my relationship with my wife June, I was shocked. Defending was my knee-jerk reaction whenever any stress or conflict arose between us. I noticed I was even defending during times of peace and closeness. I was so bound up in my defenses that being “undefended” and open-to-learning was a missing experience in my life.

To defuse my defenses I first had to become conscious of them. If you’re interested in more learning and love, I invite you to consider doing the same. Start by opening your awareness to the specific defenses that show up for you in your interactions with your partner and with others.

For example, your partner might say to you, “I’d like to talk with you about something.” Immediately you hold your breath then change the subject…”Hey, did you remember to pick up some mustard at the store today?”

Rather than opening up to what your partner wants to talk to you about, and what you might learn from it, you’ve gone into defending. So, identifying what defense you’re in is the first step. Then you can begin to notice “how” you create and maintain the defense in your body.

In other words, how are you shaping your awareness, breath, posture and movement to form and act out the defense? For example, you might go blank, tighten your body or go slack, go numb or rev up, get silent or raise your voice, depending on what defense you are constructing at that moment. If you’re perceptive, it can be like watching a slow-motion film: first you sense the birth of the defense inside of you, then you feel it moving through your nervous system and solidifying in your body. Then you act it out with your partner.

This is an unconscious process for most people. But the sooner you can become aware that a defense is forming inside of you, the sooner you can interrupt this normally unconscious process and open to new creative possibilities.

Typically, when one partner goes into a defense, the other partner reacts by going into a defense of their own. For example, you might defend by withdrawing after your partner goes into blame. Or your partner might defend by getting very loud and dramatic when you’re being stonewalling. When this happens, you have two defenses playing out, rather than two people relating to each other. For some couples, the basis of their relationship is the day-to-day interplay of their defenses.

When you notice yourself defending, it can be very helpful to say to your partner “I notice that I’m defending.” And then to name your defense. For example, “I’ve gone into my blaming defense.”

Bringing consciousness to your defenses and communicating them to your partner in the moment can start to shift the unconscious patterns of defense that play out in most relationships.

If you’d like to defuse your defenses, take three steps this week:

1. Notice when your defenses emerge in your relationship with your partner.

2. Identify the defense (judging, spacing out, justifying your position, etc.) and communicate it to your partner.

3. Tune in to how you’re shaping your defense in your body (what you’re doing with your awareness, breath, posture, movement, voice, etc. that creates and maintains the defense).

The more you can become conscious of your defenses, the easier it becomes to shift out of them and back into learning and love again.

The Body-Centered Coach is copyright 2011 by Greg Newman. Since 1995, Gregory Newman, MS, has coached individuals and couples in body-centered skills that have made it easier for their lives, relationships and careers to blossom. Greg coaches over-the-phone and in-person and can be reached at 608-274-6962 or greg@bodycenteredcoach.com

Day of Alignment and Forgiveness

November 11, 2011 2 Comments Health & Fitness, Passion & Joy, Relationships

The Second Greatest Alignment Day In The History Of The Earth

One is the number of individuality, undivided, pure, soverign, united, harmonious. Alignment means: a state of agreement or cooperation among persons, groups, nations, etc., with a common cause or viewpoint. In terms of self, it means integrating, embracing, loving all the various parts, which often requires forgiveness to accomplish.

Today is, by our calendar, a very special day for considering the meaning of One. I share with you some thoughts from an email by Mark Ivar Myhre, author of Emotional Times, with his kind permission. I would love to hear what the meaning of Oneness, and this day, means to you. (Please leave your comments below).

I don’t know much about numerology but I do see all those ones, and here’s what I’m seeing: The time between 11:11 AM and 11:11 PM on November 11 2011 will be a high energy time to work on yourself. The second greatest alignment date in the history of the earth, after Nov 11, 1111, which is obviously the first. But we’re here now. So let’s do it now.

Nothing but ones. What does that mean? Oneness. Wholeness. Complete. And new beginnings. And most of all, it means alignment.
How can I get aligned with myself?
How can I be true?
How can I be one with myself?

It starts with processing. Which usually means getting out paper and pen and just writing stuff down. Get it out of you. Get it out. Write until you can’t write anymore.

Then you’ve got something to work with, on this day of becoming more of who you are. Do your processing, by writing out whatever is on your mind. It should flow out of you easily this day.

Then, after spending 20 minutes or more letting your feelings and thoughts flow out on paper, take a break for a little while. Give it an hour. Then look back over what you’re written with a sharper eye, compliments of this ‘alignment date’. Let the enhanced energy of this day put a razor’s edge to your vision and comprehension.

Look at what you’ve written. Look for the voice of the ‘lesser’ in you. Look for the whine. Look for the part of your consciousness that is whining on the paper. Get a sense of the part of you that is adrift. It’s drifted off into pity or martyr or blame or rage or pain or guilt or shame or…

A part of you. It’s become separate, but now it’s time to reunite. Realign. Get in alignment. Here’s how:

You want to understand this part of you as much as you can. It should be a little easier to do this today. Your senses should be enhanced, at least a little bit. So seek to understand the consciousness behind the words you’ve written on the pages. Most likely it will be a scared child or a scared adolescent, or have
some sort of flavor of youth to it.

And it might be angry. It might even be angry at you. Whatever it is, you want to love it and accept it and embrace it as much as you can. “This is me.”

Take ownership of yourself.

Love yourself, as you also love this part of you.

Can you see this part of you – as a shape or a face or a light or an image or a color or a radiance of energy? Can you hear it? Can you feel it? Can you get a sense of what or who it is?

Now, after letting it speak on paper, after getting a sense of it, after understanding it, after loving it…

Now, forgive it.

“I understand, you separated from me, out of the pain and shame and fear and anger… It was too intense, so you had to separate. I couldn’t handle it. So you took the hit for me. You took the burden. You took my pain… and my intensity.”

You say. “And now,” you add, “I’m going to make it right. I’m going to take responsibility for what I’ve created… for what I’ve done.

“And therefore, I forgive you; I forgive myself for creating the circumstances that caused you to break off from me, and I forgive you for living it.”

And after the forgiveness, the two of you merge into one, which you can do just by imagining some sort of image of this part of your consciousness in front of you, and then walking into it. Or it walks into you. Or both.

One. Oneness. Becoming whole. That’s what this day is about. And this is just one way you can work with the energy to help yourself to become more of who you are, and less of who you are not.

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Wizard

For tons of articles and information on healing by Mark Ivar Myhre –
http://www.emotional-times.com

Want to talk in private with Mark? For details, click here –
http://www.join-the-fun.com/consult-with-me.html

Families and Holiday Strife – The Choice Is Yours!

December 5, 2010 1 Comment Relationships

Getting together with family over the holidays can be stressful. If you dread obligatory time with relatives – where there are deeply ingrained patterns, predictable dynamics, unpleasant behaviors and topics to be avoided – you know that it is like walking into a minefield of emotional distress.

So why would you do this to your self?

Think about it – here you are, an adult who has spent 20, 30, 40 years or more living away from the family that “raised you.” You spent maybe 18 years under the authority and care (however dubious) of these people whose company gives you little if any joy.

As time goes on, those few years under the same roof represent a diminishing percentage of your life and yet – no matter how much time and distance you’ve put between them and you, how much self-reliance, success and happiness you’ve created for yourself – they still have the power to bring you down to your most vulnerable, disempowered little-person self.

How is this possible?

Thoughts and beliefs: “She’s my mother, and I need to honor her!” (or father, sister, brother, etc.). “We’re family, and families stick together.” Does any label give someone the right to treat you with disrespect? These are powerful forces, but should not be beyond examination if you seek honesty and freedom from destructive behaviors in your self (and others with whom you choose to spend your precious time). What ideas/beliefs might you hold that keep you hooked in to an abusive dance with someone?

Perennial optimism: “Maybe this time will be different!” So you keep showing up, each time with a different strategy: “I’ll be happy and unshakeable;” “I won’t pay any attention to so-and-so;” “I won’t do/say anything to upset ___;” “I’ll speak my truth and they’ll respond kindly.” You keep trying and getting the same response…is this not Einstein’s definition of insanity? And, is this not textbook co-dependent/abuser behavior?

Maybe, what you want from him/her/them is NOT WITHIN THEIR POWER TO GIVE YOU! This is not because you are undeserving, but probably due to their own guilt, hardness of heart, narcissism, or simple lack of awareness of themselves and their effect on others, including you.

Expectations: Do you expect your dog or cat to speak English, a blind person to see or a deaf person to hear? No, of course not. And yet you continue to expect people who have been disrespectful, sabotaging or diminishing in words and deeds to somehow act differently… this time.

What are you seeking? I venture you are hoping for them to change, to see and acknowledge your value, to appreciate you. GIVE IT UP! No one changes because someone else wants him to. If they change at all, it is because it is in their best interest. As long as they can get away with treating you in ways that are “unacceptable,” they will. Obviously, if you keep showing up, their behavior is good enough to keep the game going, even though it makes you miserable. So the real questions are: Have you had enough misery yet? And, are you willing to give yourself what these others cannot?

Self Love is an inside job: We all need and want appreciation. And yet we must appreciate ourselves so that when others do appreciate us, we can receive it in truth. It’s a common problem among models and celebrities who, no matter how much others tell them they are beautiful, thin or talented, they don’t believe it because they do not know it IN THEM SELF to be true.

Where can you find Apreciation? In the honest valuing of your own heart, in the strength, courage, character you have funded, and in the connections you share with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

When will you stop the pain and abuse? Just as you would advise a woman being beaten by her husband to sever that relationship, you too have the obligation to your healthy self to stop spending time with people who abuse you. While your mother’s sarcasm, your sister’s anger, your father’s indifference may not be as blatant as a physical beating, they are still abuse…and it is up to you to just say “No.”

What will happen if you say “No”? Their “party” will go on without you. They may talk about you behind your back. Who cares? They do anyway! And you can choose to celebrate with human beings who enjoy your company, value your friendship and support your dreams. Or you could take your self off alone on a real vacation and appreciate your self for the courage, wisdom and self-love that only you, ultimately, can give you. No matter what, it’s your responsibility to be honest with yourself and choose how to create and enjoy happy holidays!

If you feel like sharing your experiences with family and holidays, please do by commenting below. If you’d like coaching around this, or other relationship issues, please don’t hesitate to contact me at inhabityourdreams@gmail.com

Why Dreams Don’t Soar

November 28, 2010 1 Comment Passion & Joy, Relationships

by C. Hope Clark (by kind permission of the author)

What we often attribute to fate and the hand of others is more the fault of grounded dreams – dreams we weighed down ourselves, not allowing the wings to spread and take flight. The change isn’t a sudden slam of a door or quick reversal of speed, but more of a slow easy slide into nothing. And we assume it isn’t our fault. We have to assume some of the responsibility. Whether we admit it or not, we abetted the demise by:

–Letting others dissuade us. It’s amazing how people who haven’t succeeded tend to be the loudest naysayers. While writers are known for having some mighty big hearts, those who don’t understand the craft still tend to believe anyone can pull off a bestseller. We hear far too many negatives, and we start to believe the words.

–Letting past disappointment control us. We’ve failed in other arenas. We’ve had close calls with contracts. We’ve submitted to 72 agents, been rejected 42 times and ignored 32. We’ve divorced, endured physical restrictions, and weathered disease.

–Letting that inner editor tell us that we’ve done fine considering the odds. We’d be better off NOT knowing the odds. That way we don’t settle for less than our best.

–Letting the hard work stop us from tackling another hurdle. We get tired, and our confidence weakens.

–Locking up our imagination. Like dancing in front of people, we fear cutting loose and letting our inner child free. We grip what’s comfortable instead of jumping on the dance floor under the spotlight, where people can easily judge.

Sometimes the odds stack up against us but, face it, our attitude about how we deal with our dreams is completely in our hands. Maintain control. After all, it’s your dream, and no one else’s.

(Editor’s Note: Hope Clark is a writer/editor and true champion of other writers. Her website, http://www.fundsforwriters.com/, is a marvelous resource for both aspiring and seasoned writers).

How Dishonesty Undermines Healthy Relationships

November 1, 2010 0 Comments Relationships

I know a married man whose relationship philosophy includes, “Just say what people what to hear.” He believes that being honest can be hurtful or embarrass someone (especially himself). He claims “honesty is highly overrated.” This justifies his surreptitious sexual relationships.

Denying the value of honest communication is a wonderful defense against letting anyone in to your heart and soul, a way to remain aloof, invulnerable and inscrutable. It’s also useful for avoiding confrontation.

What is honesty? It’s defined as “free of deceit and untruthfulness.” It’s communicating what you know and are doing, that is relevant to the person with whom you are communicating. READ MORE >>>