Category Relationships

Renewal

7 Comments Passion & Joy, Relationships
San Miguel de Allende sunset from La Azolea bar in Centro. The sun is shining always, even when we can't see it.

It’s easy to let things slip away, through lack of attention and care. I became so absorbed in the chaos of my own change-making that I forgot the importance of the other areas of my life… but then, one cannot deal with everything at once.

While I have ignored this blog for the past five months – through a blustery and fire smoke-filled spring/summer in Santa Fe and a move back to San Miguel de Allende – I hope you will rejoin me as I renew my commitment to sharing words and images of the people, places, thoughts and challenges that are in-forming my life… because we’re all in this world together.

As ever, I welcome your comments below and hope you will share any posts you feel are worth passing along. I look forward to renewing our connection through this medium.

A NEW UNDERSTANDING OF “SPOILED” – I don’t know much about astrology but I enjoy the clever writings of Rob Brezsney and his “Free Will Astrology,” as it invariably gives me something interesting to consider. This week, for my sign (Aquarius), his admonition is to “work on what has been spoiled”.

I think of “spoiled,” in reference to people (especially children) as having been given too much, too easily, and thereby acquiring a sense of entitlement. But when something spoils (like produce or meat), it is usually because it is left to rot; unused as intended, or unappreciated and uncared for. It is neglected, forgotten, abandoned, unloved. Clearly, this applies to parts of self and relationship to others that also needing love and appreciation.

Once something is spoiled, rotten, it must be disposed of because it stinks and contaminates other things. But there are options to the garbage dump. If there is a pit or seed, it can be germinated and grow a whole new tree or plant from it. Or it can be composted, decomposed, to create fertilizer for future growth. But both of these regenerative forms take time, patience and tending to recycle and make useful again what seemed worthless and beyond redemption.

I admit that I am often impulsive in my throwing away, impatient for quick results, and do not permit the gradual and necessary states of germination and growth to happen organically. I act like a spoiled child, expecting Life to be easy and the Universe (and other people) to respond to my immediate desires.

But I am learning that while change is inevitable – whether we think we choose it or it is thrust upon us – we never can know for sure “what next” until the future arrives and we can see, if we choose to look, how  the “spoils” of our past might be wisely recycled to generate something new. So, for now, I am considering the value of adversity, mindful of appreciating all the gifts Life bestows upon me, and seeking to make use of that which I have let spoil.

Do you know what I mean?

Transitioning To A New Story Of Connection

3 Comments Changing The World, Money & Finances, Passion & Joy, Relationships
Charles Eisenstein, author of "Ascent of Humanity", spoke to Journey Santa Fe group this morning

Depression. Anxiety. Despair. We are familiar with the morass of emotions regarding old systems and beliefs that separated us and no longer work, and new creative ideas and ways that connect us but are not yet fully developed.  We know things must change, but it’s often difficult to imagine ‘how’ when it seems the “powers-that-be” are so entrenched and destructive.

This morning, I was feeling pretty sad, thinking of the Japanese nuclear meltdown and the U.S. obsession with war. Just yesterday, as one small example, 165 Trident missiles were shot into Libya at $1.5 million each, or $250 million dollars (just a tip of the iceberg of the day’s military expenditures). How can we reconcile this recklessness and dollar expense with the death and destruction of Libyan lives and the fact that every aspect of our society needs rebuilding? We can’t. It doesn’t make any sense… except if we see it as the old story that is passing away.

“When something is almost finished, it takes on an extremely grotesque appearance. We are in the death throes of the civilization we’re living in. As institutions and systems crumble, we are in a world in transition,” says Charles Eisenstein, author of “Ascent of Humanity”, about the history and future of civilization from a unique perspective: the evolution of the human sense of self.

This morning, I had the pleasure of hearing Eisenstein speak, sponsored by Journey Santa Fe at Santa Fe’s Travel Bug store.

Eisenstein, 44, sees this time in history as one of great transformation. He is hopeful, but not idealistic; visionary, but not unrealistic. His message encourages us to see what is passing away and what is being born, recognizing we are in a liminal state; on the threshold of turning from systems of exploitation and separation to those of co-creation and mutual care.

Looking at what has been and no longer works, Eisenstein explained how the money game, based on interest-bearing debt, converts nature to goods and relationships to services, thereby creating scarcity, competition and mindless greed that has separated us from one another.

He talked of those so engrossed with the virtual world that “they do not see or care that earth, ecosystems and people are dying of neglect. We have seen our selves as separate, and even the story of self is ending too. We’re learning this painfully.”

The importance of stories
“We don’t believe in the old stories, but we don’t have the new stories yet,” said Eisenstein, holding out the vision that our new story contains and embeds a new story of the people, connected. He is sure that “We are here to love and co-create our relationship with earth.”

There are many examples of how things are changing and we are acknowledging the importance of our hearts. He cites “alternative medicine” and “holistic approaches” which many people in our society now seek. Another example is hospice. You can ask your logical mind, “What difference does it make to be with a dying person?” Our hearts know this is significant but our minds don’t understand. As we’ve all experienced, our mind argues with our heart. It is time, he contends to guide our choices in a different way.

So, how do we make this transition, to write and tell this new story of the people connected?  “This is evolutionary,” said Eisenstein. “We need to undo the ideology of separation, undo the old stories, listen to our heart and what it wants to say, “yes!” to.  We need to cultivate the connected self.”

The role of the Gift
His idea for cultivating the connected self, or community, is recognizing the role of the Gift.  Eisenstein explains, “In traditional money-based economy, if there’s more for you, there’s less for me. In the gift-based economy, if you have more than you need, you give it away. Ecology works like this. We know this but we don’t believe what we know.

“Most of us spend our lives doing things we don’t really believe in… for the money. I’m pretending to care because I’m paid to. You find yourself asking, ‘What about MY life?’  If your gifts are not totally expressed and received, you feel you’re not living your life.

“Our desire is to want to give and enact our purpose here. Community is woven from gifts and stories, and reliance on one another. In our society, money replaces the need to need or appreciate another – ‘I paid you!’  Gift creates a tie. I feel gratitude for the knowledge of having received, and give in return.

“Gift expands self. Greed becomes insane.  To give and receive is balance. To refuse gifts is stingy, selfish, rude. Give your gifts. Trust your desire to give, and the universe responds to it. Visualize to ready yourself to say ‘yes!’”

How do we infuse today’s world with properties of the Gift?
In a word: Appreciation. In my experience – as a human, a woman, a writer, a coach, someone for whom the human story is endlessly fascinating and human relationships of kindness and decency supremely important – I am in full agreement with Charles Eisenstein that changing the grotesque old story of separation and disconnection to a new one of love and connection begins with appreciation of one’s self and the world we each create moment-by-moment through our thoughts, words and deeds.

May we each hold the vision Eisenstein articulates of reunion, not separation. We know that old game and it’s not working. It’s time to wake up, listen to our hearts and share and receive our gifts. I welcome your thoughts below!

Eisenstein’s new book, “Sacred Economics” is due out July 2011.  To read more about all this and get connected, I recommend his blog, Reality Sandwich, “evolving consciousness, bite by bite, counteracting the doom-and-gloom of the daily news.”

Who Says? How To Stop Arguing For Your Limitations

0 Comments Passion & Joy, Relationships

“Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours” – Richard Bach

All day long, in one communication and another, I heard dear friends use emphatic statements to describe “how it is,”  as if they were speaking the absolute truth, like:
“It’s really hard to…” find a publisher, a place to rent, get away, land another job, leave a relationship, find the time, get organized, etc. “I must be in the wrong place.” “You can’t expect to…” “That’s just how it is.”

WHO SAYS?

I can hear my parents’ voices raising that question time and again, when I’d insist, “it’s really hard to…,” “it must be a mistake,” “I can’t just do that!”, “that’s how it’s done,” and so on. I have them to thank for that lesson in Mindfullness – questioning not only the status quo and “authorities,” but encouraging me to think for my self and not make excuses.

I can’t say I never fall into that kind of mind-numbing, matter-of-fact phraseology, but I know that upon questioning, “Who Says?”, or (in Byron Katie’s words, “Can you know that’s absolutely true?”) the nonsense of it becomes clear. Insisting on limitations, road blocks, lack of alternatives, is a way to stop our selves, to justify “no reason to try” or consider options and possibilities. We overwhelm ourselves with what we believe is an insurmountable challenge. We collapse into escape, fantasy or smallness rather than experiencing the joy of creatively making our way through to satisfying conclusion. Once we believe any idea to be set-in-stone, we become as hard and inflexible as rocks.

Such statements are no doubt born of fear; fear of failure, loss, embarrassment. Fear always contracts and limits. The heart yearns to open up, the mind loves to find solutions and the body to breathe deeply. So, I can trust that whenever I declare “how it is,” my body will respond either in tension and contraction, or relaxation and expansion.

When I hear myself saying or thinking, “I/you can’t…”, “It isn’t…”, “There’s nothing I can do…”, I sometimes remember to ask myself: Self, does that thought feel deadening and self-justifying, or is it exciting and enlivening? I hear my parent’s asking, “Who says?” And I just have to laugh at what a stubborn little girl I can be sometimes… and my girlfriends too.

New Years Benediction – Surprise Yourself!

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Benediction for the New Year: Surprise Yourself!

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. – Neil Gaiman

I’m wondering: How might I surprise myself? How might you?
What, at the end of this year, might you be delighted you did differently, better, more lovingly and successfully, with good madness?

What would surprise and delight you?

As you move through this year, perhaps take note of ways you surprise your self. It would be fun to hear of them in a year from now!

A View From the Last Day of 2010

8 Comments Relationships
Dec. 31, 2010

Almost every day for the past 10 years, (except when I’m traveling), I have woken to this beautiful view; sometimes bathed in apricot and peach colors of sunrise and sometimes, like on this brisk winter morning, dusted with snow. Almost always the piñon and juniper-covered hills are outlined by the blue backdrop for which New Mexico’s skies are famous. Every morning, as my mind shifts from the realm of dreams to self consciousness, I am reminded of the “Big World Out There,” beyond my own thoughts and feelings, immediacies, concerns, duties and habits; beyond, even, my own mortality.

I know I am very lucky to sleep in the safety, warmth and comfort of a well-built home, to open my eyes to “my mountain” and to be reminded daily of the beauty and majesty of nature. I am also fortunate to have the eyes to see this, the mind to make meaning of it, the body to rise and stretch and consider what I want to do with the day ahead.

Being self-employed for the past 26 years, I know there are days when I’ll “get a lot done” and others when I’ll wonder where the day went. But, inevitably the day passes and, no matter what joys, sorrows, discomforts or challenges I encounter, perceive or dwell upon, I sleep and wake to a new day.

Since we mark these passings with a calendar, the end of a year and beginning of another have created traditions and rituals. Probably like you, I like to take some time to reflect on what I have learned and how I’ve changed in the year past, and envision what I’d like to create in the year ahead. For me, 2010 has been marked by a deeper understanding and practice of Appreciation… for my self, and for every aspect of my life.

This year, I have let go much of my former ambition and sense of accomplishment in terms of money, and have found that the more I appreciate the moments of awareness and connection, the easier money flows to me. I have let go much anxiety and fear around it, substituting every financial transaction with love and appreciation. It is a practice to reprogram decades of delusional control, but very satisfying. Consider that in the financial realm, appreciation means to grow in value.

I have weathered some loses and disappointments – in myself and others. I have accepted the reality of What Is and been bold in moving on and appreciating my ability to end relationships with people whose perspectives or actions are not supportive; or to love them all the more for standing in their truth and challenging me, with love, to better know my own heart and mind.

I mark my years by my travels (never as much as I wish!). In 2010, I went to Playa del Carmen and Cozumel to escape last January’s cold; to my niece Maggie’s wedding in New Hampshire in September — a gloriously fun reunion with family I cherish, and while there drove to Vermont to spent a delightful day with Roberta Shafer, my beloved ninth-grade teacher who I hadn’t seen since 1972; I flew to Denver in October to spend a long weekend with my dear friend Anne at her new home; and spent 10 days in New York City with high school friends I’d reconnected with thanks to Facebook; visited with my housemate from 27 years ago, Joel, and his family (his wife, Neonilla, and I are planing a trip to Turkey in Sept. 2011); attended travel writer events with Swiss-based writer friend Anita Breland, and “social enterprise” day at New York Entrepreneur Week; enjoyed time with the talented Tree Elven; and, at the “Other Israel Film Festival,” I made a business connection that holds some promise.

In a summary of the year’s accomplishments, I closed three real estate deals and published a few articles, spent a lot of time online learning about social media, created the complex website for GreenRoads Realty, updated the related eZine, revamped my personal website, edited some articles for Your Life Is A Trip and cultivated a precious friendship with Judie Fein, and created this new blog close to my heart. I also began practicing yoga again, after many years, and have been encouraged by the success of my friend Maia Duerr’s Liberated Life Project. Throughout, I grappled with chronic discontent and the sense I should be doing something more, something different. Finally, in November, I broke through to Appreciation… a place of joy I wish for everyone.

What’s next? I’ve made a commitment to doing what I most love in 2011 – writing and traveling, coaching businesses and individuals, and facilitating workshops. I am letting go of the activities that have sucked my time. I am focusing on what I most love, albeit through a number of related prisms.

It has not been a “easy year” for me or anyone I know. The systems we thought would work for our lifetime have self-destructed or are unraveling. It is a time of uncertainty and change, full of new potential. I am grateful for this year, for the clarity that has come from it, and for the support of generous-spirited friends and my partner of 26 years who, knowing me better than anyone, stated, “You are a writer and you love to travel. Why don’t you just do that?” So that is what I intend to do in 2011.

When I awake on the first day of 2011 and see my mountain, it will be with the surety that whatever this year brings, I will welcome it. To experience this life and recognize my power to create and in-form reality is awesome. That it took years to recognize this means nothing to a mountain.

Thank you for joining me on this journey to inhabiting our dreams! “Happy New Year!”
I would love to hear what you learned in 2010, and what you intend for 2011. (Please leave your comments below).

With enormous gratitude for your presence,
Aysha

Listening and Loving

0 Comments Changing The World, Relationships

This post is reprinted by permission of Greg Newman, a gifted and exuberant body-centered coach/teacher I met at the Hendricks Institute training in 1999. For nine years, Greg has diligently emailed a monthly newsletter, each with a new insight and actual practice for enhancing our communication and conscious awareness. At the end, he poses some “wonder questions,” simple ways to consider the subject without judgment or blame. His devotion to empowering others and his personal integrity, is exemplary. He lives in Madison, WI with his wife June, where they also have a therapeutic massage business. You can subscribe to Greg’s free monthly newsletter by signing up at his website.

Active listening – to others and our self – is loving and generous, keeps us in the present, enhances connection and brings forth our best ideas and heart.

DECEMBER BODY-CENTERED COACHING TIP

I have another practice I’d like to share with you just in time for the holidays. I call it listening and loving, because that’s what it is.

Typically when another person is speaking, most of us do something very different than listening and loving. Instead, we often listen and judge, get a rebuttal ready to fire back, mock them in our minds, poke holes in their logic, feel pressure to agree with them and so on.

For example, let’s say that your partner is speaking to you about an issue he or she is having with a co-worker. As your partner describes the situation, your mind goes through a number of mental gymnastics. It makes your partner wrong for having the issue, judges the co-worker harshly for his or her part in it, feels powerless about not being able to do anything about it, or tries to figure out a quick-fix to the problem.

Listening and loving has a very different agenda. You listen generously to what another person has to say, and you love them as they speak. You allow the other person to have their own thoughts and experience. You love them for being able to speak, for their willingness to speak to you, for anything you can find to love about them as they speak. Listening and loving has no agenda except to listen and love.

Have you ever heard a bird sing? You don’t try to outsmart, argue with or coerce a bird that is singing. You just listen and enjoy the song. Each person is a songbird making a song for you to hear.

You might think that listening and loving is boring, or that you won’t be engaging with others if you do it. I have found the opposite to be true. When I am listening and loving, I am present. Space opens between me and the speaker that allows me to hear their words and feelings clearly, without being carried away by them. I am available for the other person, rather than being lost in the maze of my own mental chatter. I feel connected with the person speaking and our conversation can unfold with ease.

When I am listening and loving, I am continuously amazed by the wisdom, insights and creativity that emerge in other people. When someone is listening to and loving me, their loving attention shines a light on my own genius and draws it to the surface like a powerful magnet.

Of course, listening and loving starts at home, inside ourselves. The same ways that you internally judge, ridicule and wrestle with your own thoughts are the patterns that show up when you hear others speak. Listening and loving begins with you, with every thought that passes through your mind. As you learn to listen to and love your own thoughts you will naturally do the same with other people.

So the next time someone is speaking to you, and find yourself mentally or verbally trying to fix them, talk them out of what they think or give them a more enlightened point of view, no problem….just remember to listen and love, and watch your conversation unfold in delightful ways.

…………………………………………………..
DECEMBER WONDER QUESTIONS

Who do you listen to the most in your life? The least?
Who listens to you the most? The least?
What do you do instead of listening and loving?
What would it be like to listen to and love every one of your thoughts?
What would it be like to listen to and love everyone in your life?

Please share what this brings up for you in comments, below… thanks! – Aysha

How To Get Your Man To Change

2 Comments Passion & Joy, Relationships

Don’t you just love provocative titles like this one? Women’s magazines thrive on this sort of nonsense. The Truth is, YOU CAN’T GET ANYONE TO CHANGE!

It’s impossible to address each individual’s circumstance (except in the confidential confines of therapy, coaching or friendship), so I’ll offer some general observations from my own life, and those of clients and friends, and hope some apply to whoever would be attracted to this topic.

1. If you want someone else to change, it’s usually because you don’t like who you are/what you feel like around them. Is that their problem? You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and well being. If it doesn’t feel good to be with someone, then don’t. It really is that simple when you stop justifying yourself or “him”.

2. “But if only he would do this or say that…” There is no end to complaints. If it’s not this thing, it will be another and the next. If you ask clearly and kindly for some consideration and he chooses to ignore your request, then you have his response. Don’t make excuses for him. And for your own sake, don’t hound him about it – that just makes you a “nag” and him the “bad guy” and sets up a destructive pattern of resentment and guilt. He simply does not care about what you care about in this regard. Is that a deal breaker?

3. Fact: Women are generally more verbal and in touch with their feelings than men. There are exceptions, and they are wonderful, but we’re talking about the man you want to be different than how he is. Your guy may simply not have the communication skills you possess (and think he should have too!). But, the bottom line is actions speak louder than words. Men understand that. Are you being the partner to him that you wish he were being to you? You must have appreciated something about his communication style to have gotten involved in the first place. Maybe you need to revisit those endearing traits and consider: were they just an act? was he always this way but you refused to see him? did he lose them through being ground down by disappointments? might you have stop appreciating them?

If his communication really is insufficient to satisfy your needs, and your energy around ‘issues” is sapping your precious life’s time, then get real with yourself and put a “stop loss” on the relationship. Be sure your own lack of self-love is not causing you to be a bottomless pit needing appreciation, and that you’re not just suffering from “grass is greener somewhere else” fantasies. But, if you’re coming from a place of your own power and love, and the way you relate to one another is untenable, you must take charge of change.

4. If this guy really isn’t for you (anymore); if you can’t accept him “warts and all” as he is (not as you wish he’d be!), then do him and your self a favor and end the relationship. That won’t change him, but it will change you — and isn’t that what we’re really talking about?

Your comments and stories please…

7 Ideas For A Joyful Holiday Season

4 Comments Passion & Joy, Relationships
Christmas Eve, Canyon Road, Santa Fe, NM – a magical tradition. This could be #8: Get out and do something festive!

I admire people who just love the holidays and approach the season’s festivities with boundless enthusiasm. But I can’t relate. If, like for me, the holidays hold for you some sadness from past loss, cynicism, loneliness, or lack of joy, I thought it might be useful to come up some ways to make it different this year. Here goes…

1. Do something Unusual: Make up a dozen gift bags and give them to homeless people. Buy a box of “cuties” (tangerines) and some small gift bags. Bake a big batch of cookies and put a few in plastic wrap or sandwich bag. Write a note on pretty cards you have lying around, or make up cards (a small piece of paper-backed wrapping paper makes nice gift cards); tie a ribbon around it. If you have a dog, include some of his treats for those on the streets with canine companions (mark those bags separately). Each bag should cost about $1.25. For about $15, we can give ourselves an incalculable gift.

2. Spend a block of uninterrupted hours going through your closet. Ruthlessly toss out every item that no longer is fashionable or fits, hasn’t been worn in the past 18 months, or is too worn. Put it all into garbage sacks or boxes and deliver it immediately to a local shelter or thrift shop. As you drop it off, appreciate yourself for having created such abundance that you can give it away. Let it go with your blessings.

3. Start and/or Finish A Creative Project. You may have an art project, a home repair or improvement project, reading or writing to catch up on; whatever has been on your mind. I plan to finally digitize old family albums. Just do it, complete it, and appreciate your desire and ability to express yourself creatively. And whatever you do, enjoy the process and do not judge the outcome.

4. Make some dates. Be sure to get together with friends, even if just for a cup of tea or walk around the block. Hug sincerely and relish your time together, as it is always precious.

5. Pick up the phone and call those far away who you love. Let them hear your voice, and hear theirs. Put aside any conflicts that may exist and be happy you have them in your personal circle of Life.

6. Pamper Yourself. You can do this at home without spending any money. A bubble bath, a facial (homemade recipes on line), an afternoon nap – give your self the gift of Time spent loving and enjoying Your Beautiful Unique Self.

7. Create a Vision Board for the new year. This is a fun, easy process I teach in workshops. It allows your unconscious mind to let your conscious mind know what it’s thinking about and desiring. In creating this visual board of imagination, you are apt to manifest what You want for yourself. Some call it the Law of Attraction; I call it Get Real To Make Real. You have to know what you want in order to appreciate your Power as a Creator. You have to know where you’re going in order to Celebrate having arrived.

Materials & Process: A piece of construction paper, poster board, cardboard, scissors, glue stick (you can also add markers, paints or whatever art supplies you have). Spend some time flipping through magazines and cut or tear out imagines and words that catch your attention; don’t think about them, just respond. After you have a pile of cutouts, start to arrange them on the board however makes sense to you, and glue them down. In a couple of hours, you’ve created a collage that is meaningful to you. Post it in a place you’ll see it often. Remember to look at it, enjoy it, and step into and believe in the dreams you made visible.

So, here are seven ideas I plan to implement in the next three weeks between now and January 3, 2011. I’d love to hear your ideas and feedback on these – please comment below. And, after this holiday season, I’d love to know how how joyful you were able to make yours!

Happy Holidays!

The Lighter Side

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Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

Humor (in kindness)...always a good thing.

Before we get to some humor…Last night I watched a PBS documentary, “This Emotional Life,” examining the causes and effects of such crippling emotional conditions as depression, PTSD, phobias and uncontrollable anger.

While these are real, frustrating, heart-breaking and destructive (to mind-body-spirit and relationships to self-others-work), the two “solutions” offered were: psychotherapy, wherein the patients talks and relives the inciting PTSD experiences and comes to distance and control overwhelming emotions; and chemicals (antidepressants). I found this a limited and conventional (corporate/AMA establishment) view, devoid of spirituality and without even a nod to “alternative” medicines and modalities.

For those who have friends, relatives or even yourself suffering from these conditions, seeking help is critical. Just the simple act of admitting one needs help is the first step toward health. But, I want to encourage seeking beyond a pill or quick-fix, and going more deeply into understanding and appreciation of the complexity of Life. There is much to explore (especially outside the corporate matrix) and therefore, much reason for hope.

On that note, a little humor is always a good thing.

1) Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia — I Don’t Remember If I’ll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic — Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And………..
5) Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid — Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I’m Gonna Cry, and I’ll not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia — Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder — Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder — We Wish You……Hey Look!! It’s Snowing!!!
15) Dyslexia — Snosty the Froman

Families and Holiday Strife – The Choice Is Yours!

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Getting together with family over the holidays can be stressful. If you dread obligatory time with relatives – where there are deeply ingrained patterns, predictable dynamics, unpleasant behaviors and topics to be avoided – you know that it is like walking into a minefield of emotional distress.

How you choose to celebrate the holidays, and with whom, is totally your choice – embrace it!

So why would you do this to your self?

Think about it – here you are, an adult who has spent 20, 30, 40 years or more living away from the family that “raised you.” You spent maybe 18 years under the authority and care (however dubious) of these people whose company gives you little if any joy.

As time goes on, those few years under the same roof represent a diminishing percentage of your life and yet – no matter how much time and distance you’ve put between them and you, how much self-reliance, success and happiness you’ve created for yourself – they still have the power to bring you down to your most vulnerable, disempowered little-person self.

How is this possible?

Thoughts and beliefs: “She’s my mother, and I need to honor her!” (or father, sister, brother, etc.). “We’re family, and families stick together.” Does any label give someone the right to treat you with disrespect?  These are powerful forces, but should not be beyond examination if you seek honesty and freedom from destructive behaviors in your self (and others with whom you choose to spend your precious time).  What ideas/beliefs might you hold that keep you hooked in to an abusive dance with someone?

Perennial optimism: “Maybe this time will be different!” So you keep showing up, each time with a different strategy: “I’ll be happy and unshakeable;” “I won’t pay any attention to so-and-so;” “I won’t do/say anything to upset ___;” “I’ll speak my truth and they’ll respond kindly.” You keep trying and getting the same response…is this not Einstein’s definition of insanity? And, is this not textbook co-dependent/abuser behavior?

Maybe, what you want from him/her/them is NOT WITHIN THEIR POWER TO GIVE YOU! This is not because you are undeserving, but probably due to their own guilt, hardness of heart, narcissism, or simple lack of awareness of themselves and their effect on others, including you.

Expectations: Do you expect your dog or cat to speak English, a blind person to see or a deaf person to hear? No, of course not. And yet you continue to expect people who have been disrespectful, sabotaging or diminishing in words and deeds to somehow act differently… this time.

What are you seeking? I venture you are hoping for them to change, to see and acknowledge your value, to appreciate you. GIVE IT UP! No one changes because someone else wants him to. If they change at all, it is because it is in their best interest. As long as they can get away with treating you in ways that are “unacceptable,” they will. Obviously, if you keep showing up, their behavior is good enough to keep the game going, even though it makes you miserable. So the real questions are: Have you had enough misery yet? And, are you willing to give yourself what these others cannot?

Self Love is an inside job: We all need and want appreciation. And yet we must appreciate ourselves so that when others do appreciate us, we can receive it in truth. It’s a common problem among models and celebrities who, no matter how much others tell them they are beautiful, thin or talented, they don’t believe it because they do not know it IN THEM SELF to be true.

Where can you find Apreciation? In the honest valuing of your own heart, in the strength, courage, character you have funded, and in the connections you share with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

When will you stop the pain and abuse? Just as you would advise a woman being beaten by her husband to sever that relationship, you too have the obligation to your healthy self to stop spending time with people who abuse you. While your mother’s sarcasm, your sister’s anger, your father’s indifference may not be as blatant as a physical beating, they are still abuse…and it is up to you to just say “No.”

What will happen if you say “No”? Their “party” will go on without you. They may talk about you behind your back. Who cares? They do anyway! And you can choose to celebrate with human beings who enjoy your company, value your friendship and support your dreams. Or you could take your self off alone on a real vacation and appreciate your self for the courage, wisdom and self-love that only you, ultimately, can give you. No matter what, it’s your responsibility to be honest with yourself and choose how to create and enjoy happy holidays!

If you feel like sharing your experiences with family and holidays, please do by commenting below. If you’d like coaching around this, or other relationship issues, please don’t hesitate to contact me at inhabityourdreams@gmail.com