We all have needs for attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance. But we vary individually in HOW we want those needs to be fulfilled, our capacity to receive, and our ability to express them clearly, so they might be met.
Feeling our needs are not met leads to resentments, anger, sadness, pain, distress, discomfort, constriction and fear… the opposite of the feelings/emotions we yearn to experience: joy, pleasure, comfort, relief and love.
There are three key components, or reasons, our needs are not met:
1. The other person is not able. It is not within their capacity, and therefore it is usually easy to accept that reality. For example, you wouldn’t expect someone with back problems to help you lift heavy boxes, or someone who likes staying home to accompany you on a long trip.
However, problems arise when we don’t accept what another knows or perceives as his/her limitations or truth. We may try to convince, cajole or otherwise disrespect the answer we receive to our request. As Byron Katie says, “Any time you argue with reality, you create your own suffering.” When someone says, “I can’t,” believe them and move on to someone who “can.”
2. Your needs are in conflict with the other’s needs (and vice versa). Meaning, simply, that you have different needs. This is especially important to understand as it also speaks to the reality of things and accepting our real differences.
If your needs are at odds (in conflict with) another person’s, and we respect our self, their needs are also to be respected. If we say, “I need you to accompany me” and the other says they have a previous commitment, our ego might go to a wounded place of feeling unappreciated, unaccepted, unloved. “Aren’t I – my needs – more important than yours?” In fact, no, they are not. They are your needs, and therefore your responsibility to get met.
The beauty of understanding the reality of both #1 and #2, which are essentially the same: hearing and accepting “I can’t” from another, is that there is no blame. Each of us is different, and we let our self and others off the hook when we take sole responsibility for meeting our own needs.
While we delight when someone can meet our needs and their needs are in alignment with ours, we can also take pleasure in knowing we are free to respond to a “no” or “can’t” with: “Thanks, I’ll take care of my needs elsewhere.”
3. You have not clearly communicated your needs. This is the crux of the matter and accounts for perhaps 90% of why you are not getting your needs met. Asking clearly for what we want takes a great deal of conscious communication.
It means knowing what you need, and not waffling just to please another or expecting them to martyr them self or compromise their needs for you (which inevitably leads to ill feelings because their needs are not met).
It means being confident that you deserve to have your needs met.
It means be willing to have the other respond that they are either not able or not interested… and not taking their response personally, as if you are unworthy. That is just not true, and thinking that should act as a big indicator that you need to give your self more attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance.
It means loving your self enough to tell the truth about what you need, and accepting that another person may not be able to give it to you (or at this time, or perhaps ever)… but at least you have given them the opportunity to hear your request and respond honestly.
You CAN get your needs met. You must know them, communicate them clearly, and find the people who able and freely willing to say, “Yes!” Then, it’s up to you to appreciate your self and the other, hearing and reciprocating (as you are capable and choose to) to their needs.
May you live fearlessly, passionately, joyfully!
Aysha is a certified business and relationship coach. For the winter 2011/2012, she is offering a special price for personal coaching via phone or Skype. For more info, see: AyshaGriffin.com
Great article, Aysha! Another thing: maybe the person you’ve asked is able, and you’ve communicated your needs/wants clearly, but the other person is unwilling to help because you’ve been/seemed ungrateful for help in the past.
I went to a counselor a few years ago who suggested that I use the word “want” in place of “need”. I know some people don’t like this approach, but I found it a useful exercise. The idea is, “what do we really NEED?” We desire things, even food and shelter, but do I really NEED to eat today? Pardon the caps. I suppose I didn’t need to do that.
Please please don’t take this comment as a criticsm of your use of the word, “need”. I’m just introducing what I consider an interesting perspective.
I like your article, well organized, straight forward, to the point and an important reminder to pay attention to our needs, those of others, and how we communicate and relate! I keep having to take this class over again and again.
Also, I like jann’s point as well. Gratitude! So important.
Hi Jann, Great to hear from you, our “photo eye” in Italy at http://www.BaroqueSicily.com. I don’t think we can second guess why someone says yes or no to our requests. The important thing is to know our own self and clearly communicate… and be OK with any response. Take nothing personally. Because we are complex beings, it’s easy to imagine unspoken feelings (like resentment for another not seeming grateful), which are the business of the person not expressing him or her self. The gratitude business speaks to appreciation. If we don’t appreciate our self, no amount of appreciation is going to fill the void. To do whatever we choose to do for another is best to come from a place of no expectation; and if we have expectation, then to express it up front and get agreement.
Hola Miguel, Thanks for your comment. It is interesting how a word like “needs” can be shifted by “wants”, but in this context I was intending, perhaps, to speak to “desires” (ah, another slightly different connotation). I believe our desires are indicative of who we are; or who we think we are or want to appear to be (ego). In terms of personal fulfillment, knowing one’s own needs/wants/desires – and be willing to communicate them clearly and without expectation – is essential to getting them met. We can never really know the mind, heart or physical sensations of another person; only our own.
Pardon the whimsy, but here’s a little free association from your statement, “we can never really know…”
“He say, ‘I know you, you know me’
One thing I can tell is you got to be free
Come together right now over me!”
–John Winston Lennon
What would we do without song? For me, on one level, forget philosophy, psychology, goals and desires. Rather, tune in to the music of life.
Am I being irrelevant or irreverent? I hope so. Nevertheless, my desire is to resonate!