Getting together with family over the holidays can be stressful. If you dread obligatory time with relatives – where there are deeply ingrained patterns, predictable dynamics, unpleasant behaviors and topics to be avoided – you know that it is like walking into a minefield of emotional distress.

So why would you do this to your self?

Think about it – here you are, an adult who has spent 20, 30, 40 years or more living away from the family that “raised you.” You spent maybe 18 years under the authority and care (however dubious) of these people whose company gives you little if any joy.

As time goes on, those few years under the same roof represent a diminishing percentage of your life and yet – no matter how much time and distance you’ve put between them and you, how much self-reliance, success and happiness you’ve created for yourself – they still have the power to bring you down to your most vulnerable, disempowered little-person self.

How is this possible?

Thoughts and beliefs: “She’s my mother, and I need to honor her!” (or father, sister, brother, etc.). “We’re family, and families stick together.” Does any label give someone the right to treat you with disrespect?  These are powerful forces, but should not be beyond examination if you seek honesty and freedom from destructive behaviors in your self (and others with whom you choose to spend your precious time).  What ideas/beliefs might you hold that keep you hooked in to an abusive dance with someone?

Perennial optimism: “Maybe this time will be different!” So you keep showing up, each time with a different strategy: “I’ll be happy and unshakeable;” “I won’t pay any attention to so-and-so;” “I won’t do/say anything to upset ___;” “I’ll speak my truth and they’ll respond kindly.” You keep trying and getting the same response…is this not Einstein’s definition of insanity? And, is this not textbook co-dependent/abuser behavior?

Maybe, what you want from him/her/them is NOT WITHIN THEIR POWER TO GIVE YOU! This is not because you are undeserving, but probably due to their own guilt, hardness of heart, narcissism, or simple lack of awareness of themselves and their effect on others, including you.

Expectations: Do you expect your dog or cat to speak English, a blind person to see or a deaf person to hear? No, of course not. And yet you continue to expect people who have been disrespectful, sabotaging or diminishing in words and deeds to somehow act differently… this time.

What are you seeking? I venture you are hoping for them to change, to see and acknowledge your value, to appreciate you. GIVE IT UP! No one changes because someone else wants him to. If they change at all, it is because it is in their best interest. As long as they can get away with treating you in ways that are “unacceptable,” they will. Obviously, if you keep showing up, their behavior is good enough to keep the game going, even though it makes you miserable. So the real questions are: Have you had enough misery yet? And, are you willing to give yourself what these others cannot?

Self Love is an inside job: We all need and want appreciation. And yet we must appreciate ourselves so that when others do appreciate us, we can receive it in truth. It’s a common problem among models and celebrities who, no matter how much others tell them they are beautiful, thin or talented, they don’t believe it because they do not know it IN THEM SELF to be true.

Where can you find Apreciation? In the honest valuing of your own heart, in the strength, courage, character you have funded, and in the connections you share with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

When will you stop the pain and abuse? Just as you would advise a woman being beaten by her husband to sever that relationship, you too have the obligation to your healthy self to stop spending time with people who abuse you. While your mother’s sarcasm, your sister’s anger, your father’s indifference may not be as blatant as a physical beating, they are still abuse…and it is up to you to just say “No.”

What will happen if you say “No”? Their “party” will go on without you. They may talk about you behind your back. Who cares? They do anyway! And you can choose to celebrate with human beings who enjoy your company, value your friendship and support your dreams. Or you could take your self off alone on a real vacation and appreciate your self for the courage, wisdom and self-love that only you, ultimately, can give you. No matter what, it’s your responsibility to be honest with yourself and choose how to create and enjoy happy holidays!

If you feel like sharing your experiences with family and holidays, please do by commenting below. If you’d like coaching around this, or other relationship issues, please don’t hesitate to contact me at inhabityourdreams@gmail.com