Posts tagged telling the truth

How Real Was The Grief Over Fidel Castro’s Death?

On Nov. 30, five days into the declared nine days of mourning for the death of Fidel Castro, I arrived in Cuba – on my 9th trip in 4 years – with a group of American travelers. Like some of my Cuban friends, I conjectured (in a previous post) that Cubans would compensate for this time of imposed grieving by busting loose as soon as it ended.

Fidel Castro's death
No liquor sales, no music and no dancing for 9 days!

That proved to be not true, evidencing that there was and is, perhaps, more genuine sorrow and sense of loss than I – as an American with some understanding of the complexity and celebratory nature of Cubanos – could immediately grasp.

For many who stayed in Cuba after the revolution of 1959, it was with an investment of mind and heart in Fidel’s initial vision of equality, literacy and a world devoid of imperialism and exploitation. For more than 50 years they had a leader who inspired and sustained them with verbose and persistent rhetoric of a different world they were rightly struggling to create. For many, he instilled a sense of dignity previously unknown, and forever appreciated.

After decades of unwarranted idealism, broken promises, global isolation, oppression, severe austerity and relentless suffering, many citizens have had a difficult time facing the disappointment of a system that failed to deliver the dream for which they sacrificed so much. While millions left the country, those who remained seem to fall into two camps: those ever hopeful of an eventual redemption and those ever desperate for the opportunity to escape.

Fidel Castro books, Che Guevara
Ubiquitious images of and books by Fidel Castro (and the long-ago martyred Che Guevara) remain but markedly less than in years past.

The lack of personal freedoms and professional opportunities they’ve endured and the possibilities for change they’ve been denied are now acknowledged by a growing number, along with the desperate desire to believe there was – and still maybe could be – something worthwhile amid it all. And so, understandably, there is grief. Perhaps it is the mourning of the end of an era, a collective sadness for what might-have-been and regret that the dream to which they’ve clung never has and never can be realized.

But, we cannot talk of the show of solidarity of grief – as broadcast round the clock on Cuban TV – without acknowledging the fact that thousands of dissidents were rounded up and incarcerated as soon as Fidel died. As it has been under all of Cuba’s long history of dictatorships, there would be no other voices heard in Cuba but those in support of El Jefe.

To further understand their show of respect for Fidel – and incomprehensible disgust for Cubans-in-exile who celebrated his passing – we must take into account that Cubans in general are uncomfortable with the idea of death itself. They refuse to talk about their own or another’s inevitable demise, as if by denial they can keep death at bay.

They would not wish death on anyone – except maybe Hitler, they say – and certainly not the man whose image and words have accompanied their life and lent a sense of nobility and righteousness to the cause he purported. Many concede he may have become “misguided” in his alliance with the Soviet Union, his megalomania and selfishness, his dispersing of their resources to foreign wars and interests, but they do not see him as “an evil person.”

While all have relations of some sort abroad, and they themself may aspire to leave this land of scarcity where “nothing changes,” they still feel – as they’ve been told from earliest memory – that they are lucky and should feel proud to have free education, free health care, some form of housing, and no drugs or gun violence . . . in contrast to the nasty empire to the north and thanks to Fidel.

death of Fidel Castro, quiet in Havana
Unusual quiet blanketed the streets of Havana and all across Cuba during 5 says of mourning the death of Fidel Castro

But I must wonder, how different is this from the U.S., with its skewed history which ignores its own genocides, persecutions and corruptions; its corporate media that controls information, silences dissidents and promotes a divisive form of patriotism; its profit-driven privetization of health care, education and prisons; its enslavement of domestic and foreign work forces… all with the unspoken assumption that “might makes right” and the propaganda that it is “the greatest country on earth”?

Just as many Americans fail to question “the truth” served to them, so it has been for many of the 11 million Cubans who remain in their homeland. Humans like to believe they are right, and that those in positions of power will act in the best interest of their people, despite history’s evidence to the contrary.

Surprisingly to me and many residents, Cubans did not take to the streets to “let loose” or celebrate after the nine days of mourning had passed with the prohibition of music, dancing, public events and the sale of alcohol (although tourist hotels and resorts were permitted to serve alcohol lest they went too far in upsetting the cash-cow of visitor dollars, which benefit very few Cubans).

Fidel was renowned for his intolerance of any disagreement to the point of incarcerating and murdering anyone who dared question his authority. He demanded absolute loyalty, and even in death his functionaries assured he received it, one way or another.

What is “the truth” of how Cubans really feel about Fidel’s passing? Like every question posed in Cuba it can only be answered with, “es complicado.” Whether it is grief for the loss of a powerful leader or for the loss of the familiar – however miserable and worthy of complaint – a more somber sense seems to now prevail in Cuba. There is no going back and no knowing the way forward. “Viva Fidel”? Not anymore.

 

I found my voice in Girona…

Eiffel Bridge GironaOr Why Taking Responsibility – That Isn’t Yours – Can Be Detrimental To Your Health!

On the red metal bridge designed by Gustave Eiffel, over the River Onyar in Girona at sunset, walking with my friend Anna, a man, thirty-something, with a jaunty walk, approached from the opposite direction. Recognizing Ana, he slowed and exchanged greetings. “Que tal?” she asked. He said he’d just come from teaching a voice class. He cradled a bottle of Dom Perignon, and I commented that was a precious bottle. “A gift from one of my students,” he said, with a smile that conveyed genuine gratitude. He was relaxed and completely present to our conversation.

“So you teach singing?” I asked. “Not exactly. I work with professional singers, yes, and others, to find and expand their voice, which comes from their body, their grounding.” Jordi Hom continued, speaking of the relationship of the body’s organs to the body and its surroundings, using all its senses – including its intuitive sense – to give rise to voice. “It has little to do with just breathing.”

Without thinking, I asked, “Can I have a session with you?” I surprised myself. “Sure,” he replied and we made a date. The night before, I had a Skype talk with a new friend, who is a talented jazz singer. We spoke about the joy of singing, and my inhibition, believing I cannot sing on key. “You have a great speaking voice. I’m sure you can sing,” she said. I wasn’t sure, although I love to sing and know the words to nearly every song I’ve ever heard. And then this teacher appeared. Serendipity.

Jordi’s studio is a spacious room with a mirrored wall and electric piano in one corner. I stood in the middle while he walked around me, observing. “Your energy is cut off at the knees, ungrounded. It’s not flowing through your tightened chest, through your groin and connecting with the ground,” he said.

He sat at the piano and had me sing scales using different vowels. “You have no problem with key,” he noted, “but do you hear all the air in your voice?” Of course, it’s sounded like that for as long as I recall, as if diluting sound with air. “Let’s change that!” he said with glee. OK! I agreed.

For the next hour, I walked deliberately, planting my heels on the floor, moving my arms and hands in loose circles toward my body, I sat in a chair across from him as he massaged every centimeter of each hand, moving the energy up my arms, explaining how the meridians related to various organs. At one point he said, “You’re carrying responsibilities that are not yours.” As the truth of that was obvious to me, I began to weep.

I had a lifetime of stories of hurts, disappointments, abandonments… persistent memories of being wounded. I had literally taken to heart other people’s words and deeds, let them stick like a knife, drawing my life’s blood. And I carried responsibility for them, as if they were my words and deeds when, in fact, I know that everything that issues from another is theirs. I have my own. I didn’t need to take responsibility for anyone else’s. It was a heavy and painful burden that finally and suddenly could be let go. My body relaxed in a new way.

I returned several times to stand in front of the piano and intone scales. As if a miracle, I heard my voice without airiness, a pure deep rich tone. Jordi played “The Rose,” a perfect song for the occasion, and I sang, tears streaming down my cheeks. “You have a beautiful voice,” he said. Yes, I do. It’s always been there, a secret even to myself. Now it is revealed.  finding your voice

Interesting that this happened in Girona, a city renowned for its secrets hidden in massive stone walls, buried beneath ancient foundations. We all have wounds. That’s inevitable. But in relinquishing responsibilities that are not mine, my voice became clear.

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose.

 

 

68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has When Traveling Alone in Europe

IMG_1247After walking the ancient wall that encloses the original city of Girona, Catalonia,  I returned to my computer to find an article, “68 Thoughts Every Traveler Has On Their Trip Around The World” by Nomadic Matt, one of the many travel writers to whom I happily subscribe. He does a great job at encouraging his peers to “travel cheaper, better, and longer.” While his article appeals and applies to a 20-something beer-drinking, hostel-staying crowd – the ones I met 35 years ago – it inspired me to wonder if I could make a list of “68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has When Traveling Alone.” Why not?

Matt wrote his list in the third person; mine is first-person and I would not presume or generalize about anyone else’s experience. Although I have had some times of loneliness, I am pleased to note I’ve had no regrets about embarking on this journey, I have been supported in countless ways by human angels at every turn, and have faith I will find my way “”home” and inhabit my dreams all along the way.

Your comments, as always, are welcome. As Iggymo would say, smiles and love.

68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has Traveling Alone

1. I’ve done this before, I can do it again.
2. This time I am more mature, have more skills and contacts and know-how to plan and budget.
3. I know it’s important to travel light, but damn, I need these 5 pairs of shoes because I have bunions and my feet ache and I need to have alternatives.
4. I will be traveling to various climates and have many experiences, so I need a variety of clothes for warm and cool weather, informal and more formal.
5. I need these hair and body products, this makeup, these over-the-counter drugs just in case… it’s a lot to carry, but important.
6. OK, so I fit everything into 2 rolling bags that weigh in just below the airline limit (25kg each). No matter, I can hire porters and airport carts.
7. There are no porters and airport carts. My bags are way too heavy.
8. I’m afraid I’m going to strain a muscle.
9. Why is there no one to help me?
10. Why did I agree to stay in a 4th floor walk-up without an elevator?
11. Oh well, it’s for a few weeks and I only have to carry them up and down once.
12. Yay! I am in Madrid!
13. It’s a beautiful city I’ve been in twice before and know my way around.
14. There are people everywhere, and I am lonely.
15. I attend InterNations events and get together with a few people. Well done, making new friends, seeing the sights.
16. I am still lonely.
17. I need to make more friends.
18. I do. Good, interesting people. Good for me.
19. This is the first stop on what may be a long journey in search of home. I chose this. Be patient.
20. Love yourself.
21. Everyone thinks you’re courageous.
22. I’m not. I want to see if it’s true what I’ve been telling others: that you can “Inhabit Your Dreams!” Can you really? Can I?
23. Damn, I spent a lot of money on clothes, thinking I needed to buy them before I left, only to discover I could have bought better, cheaper, more interesting clothes in Madrid.
24. I’ll give away everything I don’t need and then my suitcases will be lighter.
25. Two bags of clothes and toiletries gone to the woman who cleans the hallways, and still my bags are full to the max and too heavy.  How can this be? What else can I give away?
26. Why did I bring all those toiletries and medicines? I can buy almost everything I need when I need it.
27. Why did I bring a router and printer? I thought I’d need them for my work, but this is Europe and there is wi-fi and copy shops are everywhere. Get rid of them.
28. I give them to friends to use, with the agreement I can have them back if I need them. Why would I need them? Stop hanging on to things for some imagined contingency.
24. I carry the still-too-heavy bags down 4 flights of stairs, one at a time, at 7 a.m. Why is there no one here to help me?
25. I could hurt myself.
26. I do not know how to travel light.
27. Why is the taxi I reserved not here to take me to the train station?
28. I could miss my train and keep a friend waiting who is driving a long way to meet me. How would I get in touch with her? I haven’t figured out how to call France from Spain on a Spanish cell phone.
29. I am pathetic.
30. I will leave all my things in the hallway and hope no one steals them while I run around the corner and hope to find a taxi. Am I am idiot?
31. I find a taxi. I am OK. I am resourceful.
32. Strangers help me with my over-weight bags. I am blessed.
33. My new friend is at the Bayonne station to meet me. All is well.
34. I stay at her beautiful home in the French countryside. I am so lucky. How can two weeks pass so quickly? I didn’t get much done.
35. I am much more relaxed, at peace with this path I’ve set for myself.
36. I am organized.
37. I leave more things behind but my bags are still too heavy.
38. I am on my way to Girona, where I have wanted to go for years, and with a great place to stay, thanks to more great people in my life. It’s all good.
39. There is a French railroad strike and I cannot use the ticket I bought weeks ago to Girona. Now what? Why is this happening to me?
40. There must be another way to get there. Yes, a bus at midnight getting me in at 4 a.m. OK, I’ll deal with it. I buy the bus ticket. Whew. I’ll email my friends in Girona.
41. Fuckin’ internet at the station doesn’t work (“Sorry for the inconvenience” says the online message). I am being foiled at every turn. Am I not supposed to go to Girona? Stop with the “magical thinking,” it’s just a railway strike!
43. I find a wifi signal and get through to them. They are very helpful and consoling. Relax. All is well.
42. Can I just retreat to the comfort of my friend’s nice house in the country? No, you must carry on. Remember how courageous your friends think you are.
43. Thank god there is baggage storage next to the train station. I wheel my bags, piggy backed. It works on flat paved ground. Pretty cool.
44. Now what? I break down and cry. Why am I all alone? This is too much.
45. You’re in Toulouse. You were here before in 2008, as a journalist guest of the Tourism Board. You can rent a city bike. You have a Mexican credit card with a chip in it that should work. You are so smart.
47. With help from other bike renter, you figure it out. It works. Now ride around and see what you can discover. It’s a beautiful day. All is well.
48. I wave at kids on a boat on the river and stop to buy a bottle of water. A young French man and I get into a conversation. He is a filmmaker, lived in Australia, is full of ideas. We talk for a hour. He takes a photo of Iggy and me and the bike. How sweet! Life is full of good things.
49. The gazebo at the park is full of dancing couples, the sidewalk cafes full of friends. It is beautiful and I feel lonely.
50. The bus is full and cramped. How have I managed to travel widely and this is the first time ever that my plans have been derailed? I guess I am lucky.
51. I am in Girona. My friends make me feel very welcome. But they are leaving for the weeks I will be here. I will be alone.
52. This is a beautiful apartment they have given me. I feel grateful.
53. The city has so much history and places to explore. I can take care of myself here, see what I want, do what I want.
54. I don’t really care about churches and museums. I’ve seen a lot of them. What am I really interested in and when am I going to finish writing the two books I have in process?
55. I get out and walk around, talk to people, use “my companion” IggyMo as a device. Some moments are interesting, engaged. I stop and interact. I am good at this.
56. There are many shops with beautiful things. I don’t need to buy anything. It’s strange not having a home in which to put beautiful things.
57. The bread, pastries, wine and chocolates are fabulous and cheap. I am enjoying them all and hope I don’t gain weight.
58. That’s what happened 35 years ago when I traveled in Europe alone. But I was scared then. I’m not scared now, just missing having someone to share all this with.
59. I have coffee with a neighbor. How nice!
60. He has a life. I don’t. But I am just getting started creating this new one. Be gentle with yourself.
61. I am good at distracting myself with Facebook, with work, with writing this list.
62. Remember: this is what many people dream of doing. This is what you said you dream of doing!
63. I feel grateful for my freedom, for the many friends around the world who think of me, care about me, allow me to care about them. How blessed I am!
64. I will take myself to the coast tomorrow, as it will be hot and sunny and I want to go to the Costa Brava, the Brave Coast. I want to be brave.
65. This is my life, my human experience. I am fortunate to be here, to look out over this beautiful historic city of Girona and have so many adventures ahead.
66. I could go to a jazz club tonight, but I am too tired.
67. I think of going to Barcelona for a day or two, as it’s so close, but it seems exhausting. I was there for a week in 2006 and I have no desire to sightsee. Too many people. Better to stay in a place, ideally for a month of more.
68. In 2 weeks I will train to Paris (if there’s no train strike) and meet up with one of my oldest, dearest friends and, for that week, and the next with another friend in Burgundy, I will share the experience and appreciate not being alone. I will get rid of even more stuff, and little by little my luggage must surely become lighter.

The Travel Writer Returns (or How To Restart Your Blog)

Girona one of many bridges across the onyar River
IggyMo and I on one of many bridges across the Onyar River in Girona, Catalunya.

Hello, I’m back. The passing of this summer Solstice, which finds me in Girona, Catalunya (northeast Spain), seems a perfect time for committing or recommitting to what is important.

There is so much I want to write about, to share, in the European adventures I’m having, in the new life I am creating at 59 years old. This isn’t just a vacation or a trip, as that implies a finite amount of time and a home that awaits your return. I currently have no such place, such anchor, in the world.

I did not realize three years ago (and more), as I began to dismantle my partnership of 25 years – through lack of appreciation and an abiding sense of discontent – that I was setting myself on this path to discover “home.” It is, of course, both an internal metaphor – a journey of where sense of purposefulness, meaning and connection reside – and an external search for a physical location where I feel “at home.”

As a writer, words (increasingly spoken aloud to my solo self) are the means by which I process and communicate with myself, and others with whom I hope to be in conversation. Therefore a blog is an appropriate and valuable tool, which I’ve not employed in a long time. There are always distractions, excuses and choices to be made about how we pass the hours of each day.

In addition to being present with the newness that travel imparts, I’ve been spending a lot of time on FaceBook creating a community for my travel companion, IggyMo who is a stuffed monkey made by Gund and purchased for me 27 years ago. He now has over 100 fans and, like any novelist will tell you about characters taking on a life of their own (which you hope they do), IggyMo is doing and saying things that are unique to him. He’s a delightful companion who permits me to share his daily adventures at http://on.fb.me/STqio3. Iggy would love if you’d like his page and subscribe to “notifications” of new posts.

As I left San Miguel de Allende the end of April on this journey to Europe, in search of “home” and to inhabit my dreams, I’ve been trying to organize and refocus my website and this blog. I still have a long way to go, to put all my professional work on to my personal site and use this blog for my travels, both inner and outer. Between that and online work, for which I am very grateful to my client of 2+ years, Mr. Paul Merriman, I have had good excuses for not blogging.

No more excuses. I recommit. And, if I want to know what I’m committed to, all I have to do is look around at my mirror of my thoughts, feelings, actions (inactions) and interactions. The responsibility is all mine. This feels good.

How are you feeling about your commitments?

If you are a subscriber, thank you! I hope you will share this site on your social media and among friends, and will write a comment, even if briefly, so I know you’ve been here, are with me, which means so much!

I hope you enjoy my first post back, which will post immediately after this: “68 Thoughts A Baby-Boomer Woman Traveler Has Traveling Alone.”

Getting Your Needs Met

We all have needs for attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance. But we vary individually in HOW we want those needs to be fulfilled, our capacity to receive, and our ability to express them clearly, so they might be met.

Feeling our needs are not met leads to resentments, anger, sadness, pain, distress, discomfort, constriction and fear… the opposite of the feelings/emotions we yearn to experience: joy, pleasure, comfort, relief and love.

There are three key components, or reasons, our needs are not met:

1. The other person is not able. It is not within their capacity, and therefore it is usually easy to accept that reality. For example, you wouldn’t expect someone with back problems to help you lift heavy boxes, or someone who likes staying home to accompany you on a long trip.

However, problems arise when we don’t accept what another knows or perceives as his/her limitations or truth. We may try to convince, cajole or otherwise disrespect the answer we receive to our request. As Byron Katie says, “Any time you argue with reality, you create your own suffering.” When someone says, “I can’t,” believe them and move on to someone who “can.”

2. Your needs are in conflict with the other’s needs (and vice versa). Meaning, simply, that you have different needs. This is especially important to understand as it also speaks to the reality of things and accepting our real differences.

If your needs are at odds (in conflict with) another person’s, and we respect our self, their needs are also to be respected. If we say, “I need you to accompany me” and the other says they have a previous commitment, our ego might go to a wounded place of feeling unappreciated, unaccepted, unloved. “Aren’t I – my needs – more important than yours?” In fact, no, they are not. They are your needs, and therefore your responsibility to get met.

The beauty of understanding the reality of both #1 and #2, which are essentially the same: hearing and accepting “I can’t” from another, is that there is no blame. Each of us is different, and we let our self and others off the hook when we take sole responsibility for meeting our own needs.

While we delight when someone can meet our needs and their needs are in alignment with ours, we can also take pleasure in knowing we are free to respond to a “no” or “can’t” with: “Thanks, I’ll take care of my needs elsewhere.”

3. You have not clearly communicated your needs. This is the crux of the matter and accounts for perhaps 90% of why you are not getting your needs met. Asking clearly for what we want takes a great deal of conscious communication.

It means knowing what you need, and not waffling just to please another or expecting them to martyr them self or compromise their needs for you (which inevitably leads to ill feelings because their needs are not met).

It means being confident that you deserve to have your needs met.

It means be willing to have the other respond that they are either not able or not interested… and not taking their response personally, as if you are unworthy. That is just not true, and thinking that should act as a big indicator that you need to give your self more attention, appreciation, affection and acceptance.

It means loving your self enough to tell the truth about what you need, and accepting that another person may not be able to give it to you (or at this time, or perhaps ever)… but at least you have given them the opportunity to hear your request and respond honestly.

You CAN get your needs met. You must know them, communicate them clearly, and find the people who able and freely willing to say, “Yes!” Then, it’s up to you to appreciate your self and the other, hearing and reciprocating (as you are capable and choose to) to their needs.

May you live fearlessly, passionately, joyfully!

Aysha is a certified business and relationship coach. For the winter 2011/2012, she is offering a special price for personal coaching via phone or Skype. For more info, see: AyshaGriffin.com

A New Thanksgiving, Without Defenses

I like to think of Thanksgiving as a time for openly expressing gratitude for the abundance and love in our lives. And yet stresses of the holiday season can easily reignite old wounds and a sense of needing to defend our self against the judgments or negativity of others, especially those closest to us.

Usually, we jump to the conclusion that it is that person or this situation that triggers our defensiveness and shuts down our hearts and new possibilities. But, I think the only reason triggers or “buttons” exist is because of old, unexamined and unhealed wounds; usually from our early childhood. How, then, can we heal these, so our present experience is not distorted by our mental and nervous system memory of the past?

If we can observe our defenses as a signal of places within us that need more love; if we can realize that we developed these defenses to survive and feel safe in stressful situations and that they once served us but do not any longer; if we can allow the time and curiosity to excavate the sources of where we have shut down to protect our hearts; if we can forgive our self for the ways we developed to cope that have tripped us up, or trapped us into patterned responses in adulthood; if we can bring appreciation to our unique spirit and embrace that no matter how alone we may feel – or in fact are – we always have our Self… I believe we can discover a new level of freedom, a new level of thanksgiving.

I wish this for you and me. I wish us the blessings of abiding connection to our highest self and appreciation for this Life that we each uniquely embody. HAPPY DAY OF THANKSGIVING!

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More About Defenses

Greg Newman, body-centered life coach and my colleague from the Hendrick’s Institute training (in 1999), has identified some of the most common defenses that occur in close relationship and his suggestions for defusing them. The following is reprinted, with permission, from his monthly newsletter:

Judging/Criticizing; Intellectualizing/Analyzing; Denying; Changing the subject; Going silent/stonewalling; Going numb; Getting righteous; Blaming; Making a joke; Justifying; Getting dramatic; Freezing; Fleeing; Getting sleepy.

When I first started to notice all my different ways of defending in my relationship with my wife June, I was shocked. Defending was my knee-jerk reaction whenever any stress or conflict arose between us. I noticed I was even defending during times of peace and closeness. I was so bound up in my defenses that being “undefended” and open-to-learning was a missing experience in my life.

To defuse my defenses I first had to become conscious of them. If you’re interested in more learning and love, I invite you to consider doing the same. Start by opening your awareness to the specific defenses that show up for you in your interactions with your partner and with others.

For example, your partner might say to you, “I’d like to talk with you about something.”  Immediately you hold your breath then change the subject…”Hey, did you remember to pick up some mustard at the store today?”

Rather than opening up to what your partner wants to talk to you about, and what you might learn from it, you’ve gone into defending. So, identifying what defense you’re in is the first step. Then you can begin to notice “how” you create and maintain the defense in your body.

In other words, how are you shaping your awareness, breath, posture and movement to form and act out the defense? For example, you might go blank, tighten your body or go slack, go numb or rev up, get silent or raise your voice, depending on what defense you are constructing at that moment. If you’re perceptive, it can be like watching a slow-motion film: first you sense the birth of the defense inside of you, then you feel it moving through your nervous system and solidifying in your body. Then you act it out with your partner.

This is an unconscious process for most people. But the sooner you can become aware that a defense is forming inside of you, the sooner you can interrupt this normally unconscious process and open to new creative possibilities.

Typically, when one partner goes into a defense, the other partner reacts by going into a defense of their own. For example, you might defend by withdrawing after your partner goes into blame. Or your partner might defend by getting very loud and dramatic when you’re being stonewalling. When this happens, you have two defenses playing out, rather than two people relating to each other. For some couples, the basis of their relationship is the day-to-day interplay of their defenses.

When you notice yourself defending, it can be very helpful to say to your partner “I notice that I’m defending.” And then to name your defense. For example, “I’ve gone into my blaming defense.”

Bringing consciousness to your defenses and communicating them to your partner in the moment can start to shift the unconscious patterns of defense that play out in most relationships.

If you’d like to defuse your defenses, take three steps this week:

1. Notice when your defenses emerge in your relationship with your partner.

2. Identify the defense (judging, spacing out, justifying your position, etc.) and communicate it to your partner.

3. Tune in to how you’re shaping your defense in your body (what you’re doing with your awareness, breath, posture, movement, voice, etc. that creates and maintains the defense).

The more you can become conscious of your defenses, the easier  it becomes to shift out of them and back into learning and love again.

The Body-Centered Coach is copyright 2011 by Greg Newman. Since 1995, Gregory Newman, MS, has coached individuals and couples in body-centered skills that have made it easier for their lives, relationships and careers to blossom. Greg coaches over-the-phone and in-person and can be reached at 608-274-6962 or greg@bodycenteredcoach.com

Why Dreams Don’t Soar

by C. Hope Clark (by kind permission of the author)

No matter how discouraged, your dreams are, after all, yours to inhabit!

What we often attribute to fate and the hand of others is more the fault of grounded dreams – dreams we weighed down ourselves, not allowing the wings to spread and take flight. The change isn’t a sudden slam of a door or quick reversal of speed, but more of a slow easy slide into nothing. And we assume it isn’t our fault. We have to assume some of the responsibility. Whether we admit it or not, we abetted the demise by:

–Letting others dissuade us. It’s amazing how people who haven’t succeeded tend to be the loudest naysayers. While writers are known for having some mighty big hearts, those who don’t understand the craft still tend to believe anyone can pull off a bestseller. We hear far too many negatives, and we start to believe the words.

–Letting past disappointment control us. We’ve failed in other arenas. We’ve had close calls with contracts. We’ve submitted to 72 agents, been rejected 42 times and ignored 32. We’ve divorced, endured physical restrictions, and weathered disease.

–Letting that inner editor tell us that we’ve done fine considering the odds. We’d be better off NOT knowing the odds. That way we don’t settle for less than our best.

–Letting the hard work stop us from tackling another hurdle. We get tired, and our confidence weakens.

–Locking up our imagination. Like dancing in front of people, we fear cutting loose and letting our inner child free. We grip what’s comfortable instead of jumping on the dance floor under the spotlight, where people can easily judge.

Sometimes the odds stack up against us but, face it, our attitude about how we deal with our dreams is completely in our hands. Maintain control. After all, it’s your dream, and no one else’s.

(Editor’s Note: Hope Clark is a writer/editor and true champion of other writers. Her website, http://www.fundsforwriters.com/, is a marvelous resource for both aspiring and seasoned writers).

How Dishonesty Undermines Healthy Relationships

I know a married man whose relationship philosophy includes, “Just say what people what to hear.” He believes that being honest can be hurtful or embarrass someone (especially himself). He claims “honesty is highly overrated.” This justifies his surreptitious sexual relationships.

Denying the value of honest communication is a wonderful defense against letting anyone in to your heart and soul, a way to remain aloof, invulnerable and inscrutable. It’s also useful for avoiding confrontation.

What is honesty? It’s defined as “free of deceit and untruthfulness.” It’s communicating what you know and are doing, that is relevant to the person with whom you are communicating. READ MORE >>>