I like to think of Thanksgiving as a time for openly expressing gratitude for the abundance and love in our lives. And yet stresses of the holiday season can easily reignite old wounds and a sense of needing to defend our self against the judgments or negativity of others, especially those closest to us.

Usually, we jump to the conclusion that it is that person or this situation that triggers our defensiveness and shuts down our hearts and new possibilities. But, I think the only reason triggers or “buttons” exist is because of old, unexamined and unhealed wounds; usually from our early childhood. How, then, can we heal these, so our present experience is not distorted by our mental and nervous system memory of the past?

If we can observe our defenses as a signal of places within us that need more love; if we can realize that we developed these defenses to survive and feel safe in stressful situations and that they once served us but do not any longer; if we can allow the time and curiosity to excavate the sources of where we have shut down to protect our hearts; if we can forgive our self for the ways we developed to cope that have tripped us up, or trapped us into patterned responses in adulthood; if we can bring appreciation to our unique spirit and embrace that no matter how alone we may feel – or in fact are – we always have our Self… I believe we can discover a new level of freedom, a new level of thanksgiving.

I wish this for you and me. I wish us the blessings of abiding connection to our highest self and appreciation for this Life that we each uniquely embody. HAPPY DAY OF THANKSGIVING!

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More About Defenses

Greg Newman, body-centered life coach and my colleague from the Hendrick’s Institute training (in 1999), has identified some of the most common defenses that occur in close relationship and his suggestions for defusing them. The following is reprinted, with permission, from his monthly newsletter:

Judging/Criticizing; Intellectualizing/Analyzing; Denying; Changing the subject; Going silent/stonewalling; Going numb; Getting righteous; Blaming; Making a joke; Justifying; Getting dramatic; Freezing; Fleeing; Getting sleepy.

When I first started to notice all my different ways of defending in my relationship with my wife June, I was shocked. Defending was my knee-jerk reaction whenever any stress or conflict arose between us. I noticed I was even defending during times of peace and closeness. I was so bound up in my defenses that being “undefended” and open-to-learning was a missing experience in my life.

To defuse my defenses I first had to become conscious of them. If you’re interested in more learning and love, I invite you to consider doing the same. Start by opening your awareness to the specific defenses that show up for you in your interactions with your partner and with others.

For example, your partner might say to you, “I’d like to talk with you about something.”  Immediately you hold your breath then change the subject…”Hey, did you remember to pick up some mustard at the store today?”

Rather than opening up to what your partner wants to talk to you about, and what you might learn from it, you’ve gone into defending. So, identifying what defense you’re in is the first step. Then you can begin to notice “how” you create and maintain the defense in your body.

In other words, how are you shaping your awareness, breath, posture and movement to form and act out the defense? For example, you might go blank, tighten your body or go slack, go numb or rev up, get silent or raise your voice, depending on what defense you are constructing at that moment. If you’re perceptive, it can be like watching a slow-motion film: first you sense the birth of the defense inside of you, then you feel it moving through your nervous system and solidifying in your body. Then you act it out with your partner.

This is an unconscious process for most people. But the sooner you can become aware that a defense is forming inside of you, the sooner you can interrupt this normally unconscious process and open to new creative possibilities.

Typically, when one partner goes into a defense, the other partner reacts by going into a defense of their own. For example, you might defend by withdrawing after your partner goes into blame. Or your partner might defend by getting very loud and dramatic when you’re being stonewalling. When this happens, you have two defenses playing out, rather than two people relating to each other. For some couples, the basis of their relationship is the day-to-day interplay of their defenses.

When you notice yourself defending, it can be very helpful to say to your partner “I notice that I’m defending.” And then to name your defense. For example, “I’ve gone into my blaming defense.”

Bringing consciousness to your defenses and communicating them to your partner in the moment can start to shift the unconscious patterns of defense that play out in most relationships.

If you’d like to defuse your defenses, take three steps this week:

1. Notice when your defenses emerge in your relationship with your partner.

2. Identify the defense (judging, spacing out, justifying your position, etc.) and communicate it to your partner.

3. Tune in to how you’re shaping your defense in your body (what you’re doing with your awareness, breath, posture, movement, voice, etc. that creates and maintains the defense).

The more you can become conscious of your defenses, the easier  it becomes to shift out of them and back into learning and love again.

The Body-Centered Coach is copyright 2011 by Greg Newman. Since 1995, Gregory Newman, MS, has coached individuals and couples in body-centered skills that have made it easier for their lives, relationships and careers to blossom. Greg coaches over-the-phone and in-person and can be reached at 608-274-6962 or greg@bodycenteredcoach.com